I will go Lord, if you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart." (Old Hymn)
The Holy Spirit brought those words to my remembrance from my days in Catholic School as a little girl. He reminded me that I would sing that and I could not keep my eyes from tearing up and my chest would well with a mixture of emotions. I never understood why this song would provoke such a reaction.
Well here I am 20+ years later sitting at the brink of the greatest God adventure I have ever willingly taken. Unbeknown to me, God had orchestrated this great adventure from before He formed me in my mother's womb. He didn't show me the big picture, He just asked me… "Will you go?"
In November/ December 2012, I had two dear friends graduate this earth into the arms of Jesus and their deaths were pivotal in this journey.
The first one was my sweet sister in Christ, Tina Martin, who after battling cancer in a part of her brain, lost her battle BUT NEVER her faith in God. She was a pilar of strength and one of the most faithful prayer warriors that I know. She was not more than a year older than me (32) with everything going for her, she was beautiful inside and out, she had gotten married to the love of her life and they had just had their little girl, Katie when they found out through an unexpected seizure that she had a brain tumor. Due to life I was not able to walk faithfully through her journey but when I connected with her I always left better than I got there. She had managed to encourage me in my walk with God and had made me feel like a million bucks. Her death really grieved me and in my bargaining stage I asked God, why would you take someone so valuable to the Kingdom and leave me behind? I didn't hear anything but rather felt God's comfort through her journey of faith.
Not too long after, I heard that my sweet friend Pat Gregory was sick with ASL and had been hospitalized. We had been planning to create a sweet video message to encourage her as she had done to us. She was one of my missionary friends whom The Lord placed in my life during one of my short 10-day mission trip to Honduras. Her love and compassion for God's people had won me over on day 1. She did not lose touch with me in the years to follow instead she encouraged me that if the opportunity ever came up for me to leave on a long term missions trip to take it. She made me want to be a more loving person with a desire to love unconditionally. Then couple of days before Christmas, I saw on her Facebook page a posting that crushed me… She too had journeyed to be with Jesus. Her life long pursuit had left her face to face with the love of her life.
I was devastated! I had more questions than answers and I was confused as to why God had taken two valuable jewels on this side of heaven, home. We needed them; I needed them, especially during this time. You see I had been facing some of my own physical ailments with a couple of cancer scares. I wanted the reassurance that everything would be ok. Their journeys had brought me comfort and their loss had me asking the hard questions I did not want to face.
What am I here to do? Will they miss me if I die? Would anyone really be affected if I died? What is it that You have called me to do Lord?
At my young adults group, The 429, we had been reading "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson and we were challenged to pick one thing and draw a circle around it in prayer until it happened. I didn't know what I would want to choose… I had so much to pray circles around! Through a conversation with two friends I was able to narrow it down to one. "Lord, I am tired of just being good, I want to be Greater." For 21 days, I prayed about what this looked like. God had instructed me to pack my suitcase and get ready, but He didn't quite tell me where I would be going. So for weeks I strongly insisted (more like whined) that The Lord tell me where my journey would take me. Didn't get an answer, just silence and a feeling of "just wait".
We started another book series at The 429, it was from the book "Greater" by Steven Furtick and all I could do was giggle like a little school girl. YES! God, I am listening! This book encouraged me to think BIGGER! So I sought counsel, I went and spoke to my pastors and told them everything (yes… They are awesome and patient) and asked them to join me in prayer. Within that week I received a call from one of my girls that I consider a little sister in Christ and she was telling me about this awesome new thing she had heard about. I asked her a little about it and while she told me about them, I Googled them…. This awesome new thing was The World Race. I glimpsed through the site while we were on the phone and out of the blue I felt in my spirit a strong "This is it".
I applied and cast my net and prayed, "Lord, you know my end from the beginning. If this is the door I need to walk through, open it so that no man can shut it, but if this is not of You then shut it so no man can open it."
And now here I am full circle! The Lord asks "Will you go?" And all I can say is contained within that old song.. "I will go Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart."
