For almost as long as I can remember my body image has been skewed. I remember being as young as 8 or 9 and hating that my thighs were bigger than most of my friends, and that they multiplied in size when I would sit down.
I remember asking my mom why they were so big one day, and she told me to love them, I didn’t understand why. I didn’t want to love something that I hated to look at, and wanted to hide from people.
I remember throughout all grade school thinking thoughts like those, and not realizing the damage control that would have to take place later in my life. The thoughts never sub-sided. They kept coming, and they were full blown during my middle school years.
Sixth, Seventh, and Eighth grade, seem like forever ago to me now.
Everyone I knew was trying so hard to figure out who they were, but social media, the celebrity spotlight, new friends, new school, new fashion statements, BOYS, were all such huge distractions, and seemed so important. If you dressed a certain way, if you posted certain pictures, if you idolized certain celebrities, if you were “popular”, if you had a boyfriend, you basically had it all.
Or so I thought.
Those were things we were all striving for. The most common thing for my friends and I to talk about was for sure… boys boys boys.
Was it healthy for 13 year olds to talk about boys, to care so much about what a boy thought about me, to want a boy to like me and look at me so so badly? No. Absolutely not. It did some damage to me. For some reason, I was always the one helping my friends get into relationships, I always felt like that “3rd wheel”, I always felt like I wasn’t good enough.
Was I not pretty enough? Was I not wearing enough makeup?(All my friends and I were experimenting with makeup, we actually looked like clowns.)
Was my body not pleasing to boys? Were my skinny jeans and yoga pants not tight enough?
It was in eighth grade when I finally felt noticed. But in the wrong ways. Boys would make comments about my body, comments that no 13/14 year old should hear, or for a matter of fact make. Eighth grade was the first time that I felt like boys only liked me for my body. A boy that I liked that I embarrassingly would stay up late to talk to on the phone invited me over to watch a movie one night, it ended in him kissing me and groping me. I quickly shut him down and stopped him, but I was confused. That’s all he wanted from me? I was so young.
It led to more events like that, like that summer boys inviting my best friend and I to “hang out” when they really only wanted to “make out.” Boys getting mad at me when I told them I did not want to do anything like that with them. And them lashing out and saying things like “Don’t be so innocent.” “How can you say no with a body like that.” “Why aren’t you giving me what I want.” “But all your friends are doing it!”
Comments like that flew around and were so frequently directed at me during middle school and throughout high school, and it seemed normal. It was brainwashing in a way. This was my worth I thought.
This is my worth… that’s actually what I believed in. I found my worth in boys making comments on my body, or how “pretty” they thought I was, or that they were even noticing me in the first place.
Which, incase you didn’t know, is such the wrong place to find your worth.
The only boy(more like Man, more like father) I should have been looking for worth from was God.
It seems so simple to do. Looking to Him for worth, when I seem to look to Him for so many other things. But, why isn’t it that simple?
Because the devil constantly is putting stumbling blocks in our paths, the devil can see we want to better ourselves, we want to feel worthy, and knows he can put things in our way that knock us down, and he will continue to kick while we are down. But those stumbling blocks, are truly just stumbling blocks.
If the devil knocks us down 10 times, God is going to pick us up 11 times.
If the devil makes us feel worthless the Lord is going to make us feel worthy.
The devil wants us to feel like the rough, but God wants us to feel like the diamond in the rough.
“She is far more precious than jewels.” Proverbs 31:10
Since being on the field, I have made more progress on my self worth than I think I even knew possible. All that damage control that has been lingering since I was 8 years old, is getting taken care of. Why? Because I am looking to the Lord. Because I can confidently put my worth in Him.
Does that mean that the devil doesn’t send stumbling blocks still? Absolutely not. This blog was inspired by one of those stumbling blocks. Instead of letting it drag me down, I am standing up against it. Being a missionary, being in a foreign country does mean the comments lingering from my past stop. I think I have been cat-called more in the past three months than I knew possible.
Comments like “i definitely think you are the least innocent girl here,” “you remind me of a beautiful and delicious plate of food,” “get in our car, we want to take you for a ride,” “being a missionary shouldn’t stop you.” And so many more comments have stung to hear. So many comments should have knocked me down, but they haven’t.
Let me tell you, the devil is trying his hardest to throw me to the ground, but the Lord is stronger and helping me keep my balance.
Placing your worth in God and God alone is not easy. Especially for me when I’ve placed it in men and boys for so long. For so long I felt as if I had no right to feel bad about comments and actions made towards me. When there are sayings like “boys will be boys,” and when boys look up to figures in the media that seem to get away with their actions towards women. It’s almost as if it’s second nature to boys, or that’s at least what it seemed like to me.
It’s not second nature. It’s not right for anyone to make someone else feel less to build themselves up. It’s not right to destroy someone’s view of themselves just so they can, do what exactly?
Feel like a bigger better person?
Feel more manly?
What does feeling more manly even mean?
Because I know the actions they are playing out are not actions the Lord wanted men, whom he created, to act like. I also know though, that the Lord never would want me to be in pain and would want me to be hurt. And I know the Lord would not want me to hold grudges against people who have made me seek my worth in dark places, but rather to forgive. Forgiveness is hard, but without it are you truly and confidently putting all your worth into the Lord?
I know my past has been filled with stumbling blocks and words not from the Spirit. But it happened. And it will continue to happen. And when it does happen I must know that, those comments are not what the Lord thinks of me. We do have to remember being in the Kingdom of God, means we must build each other up. We all must accept the fact that we all are Gods favorites. And that we are oh so worthy.
