It’s one in the morning.
My thoughts are running rampant.
Halfway. Officially halfway. The beginning and the end are the same amount of days apart.
This season of my life, that I found myself debating with the Lord about the majority of my senior year, preparing for, fundraising for, accepting my YES to, going to training camp for, GOING, living it out, is half.way.over. To you, you may not know why this is such a crazy thing, why my thoughts are on fire. But to me these thoughts have meaning. Tons of it. It’s almost been a year since I got accepted to the Race, but it’s been far over a year since I’ve been battling with the thought of saying Yes to it. Battling the thought of saying “Hey God, I see you speaking through other people, dropping hints, revealing things to me, but I stilllllll don’t want to do this.” And now it’s been almost a year when I said “Okay God I hear you, I’ll do it, I’ll say yes.” AND NOW- it’s been 4 and 1/2 months since I left home, left comfortableness, learned about abandonment, packed a backpack, and just went. It doesn’t make me this crazy influential person, it doesn’t mean I’m “saving the world,” it doesn’t mean I’m better than anyone, I’m none of those things, all I did was say yes. I said yes to a Lord who does nothing, but say yes to us.
I’ve learned more within 4 months than I ever have before. I’ve grown more intimately with the Lord than I ever have before. I’ve had days where I feel so on top of the world. But also I have had days where I feel as though there’s darkness every where I turn. It isn’t just a “trip” it’s literally my everyday life. So much has happened. Because during everyday life, so much happens. I’m not this special 19 year old girl, because I’ve lived in 4 different countries since I left the U.S. in September. I am literally just like every other 19 old girl there is. Moving out of my parents house, sometimes eating ramen noodles for lunch, living with new people, creating a family through those new people, heartbreak, homesickness, all that jazz. It’s normal, it’s emotions, I have them too, I go through them too!! The thing is though, unlike some people that I used to surround myself with, when I feel those emotions the only person I look to, IS THE LORD!
I constantly want more of Him.
More, More, More.
What a powerful word. Going into the second half of the race, the next season of my life… the rest of my life, I want this mentality; More of Him, less of me. I am not living this life for myself, I AM LIVING FOR HIM. I want to reach and love the people He wants me to. We are his people, he has equipped me with knowledge, with gifts, with His love, so why in the world would I keep that to myself? It’s far too good to hold for me and only me, sharing the Gospel is the most fun someone could have! You literally get to look someone in the eye and tell them the greatest love story to ever exist. Tell them about how that love story has radically changed your life, how you get to have eternal life. I get to do that among the nations for 4 more months, but the best thing is that… IT DOESN’T STOP THERE. I get to live the rest of my life on earth doing the same thing!
Dang. Looking back on these past 4 months, I constantly have been saying to myself, “if I go home right now I think the Lord has prepared well enough.” But if that was really the case, why wouldn’t I go home right now, why would I have been given the gift of 4 more months? I have learned so much, about the Lords love. How no one will ever be able to fully love me without knowing the love of the Father. How I will never love anyone more than I love the Father. How I have the ability to always imitate the Lords love. I have learned the I get all my joy from the father, that it is one of my favorite gifts. And that joy gets to be shared with everyone I meet. That I have the ability to make all things beautiful. That prayer is powerful, and to pray for big things, things that seem so unattainable. I have learned that forgiveness is key. That the Lord will heal me in more ways than I even knew possible. That my story matters, and is beautiful.
That I have the ability to be fearless. To let the spirit guide my words. To let the Lord give me eyes to see. To let Him give me a road to walk. To know that I’m not living this life for me, but for Him.
More of Him, less of me.
Be fearless, and want more.
So here’s to 4 more months of carving more, and being fearless. And probably a couple more nights of staying up until 1 a.m. with my thoughts, but I’ll save those for another blog.
My favorite thing the race has taught me though is to end everyday and tell him “thanks God.” And absolutely mean it. So… Thanks God for this beautiful season you’ve given me, thanks so much.
