Yes, you read that right. 10 months ago, I walked through the Ethiopian airport with my new fiancé. Last month, I walked through the Ethiopian airport once again — but this time, fiancé-less.
A big life change took place month one of my race, as some of you know, and I have been wanting to address it. I left on the race with my wedding planned and set for eight weeks after I returned to the States…so, what happened?
In short, an assumption.
Let’s quickly rewind to summer before my senior year of college. After being in several painful and destructive relationships, I had declared that I was never getting married and that I was never having kids. That’s not stubborn or anything, right? Anyways, before I headed back to Virginia, my mom kindly suggested that I pray about these bold statements that I tightly clung to. Reluctantly, I went to God and laid my stubbornness at His feet. Lord, Your will above my own.
A few short weeks later, I was back at school and ready to tackle the year with an open heart. Within the first week or so of returning, I met my fiancé. He was a Godly man, he treated me well and respected me (which was not something that I was used to), and he desired to pursue a Godly relationship with me. My thought? This MUST be God’s will. Did I ask God? Not particularly. Did I say that I had asked God? Yes. I assumed that this man must be the one for me because he loved Jesus and pursued me. While, yes, those are qualities that I hope to find in my future husband someday, those two things alone do not necessarily equal a ‘go’ from God.
We continued to date, and I, neglectfully, continued to assume God’s will for my life (you know, rather than asking my Abba, who has my life in His hands and who desires what is best for His children). I pushed aside feelings of doubt in the relationship, and I continued marching forward.
While spending month one of my race in Panama, I felt as if God said, “hey, uh, ya wanna ask me about this relationship?” (not quite like that, but you get the point). I hung my head as I realized that I’d somehow managed to leave the One who knit me together out of this massive life decision. So, I took a few days to fast and to pray. During this time, I earnestly approached God asking for a clear answer. To be honest, I was frustrated the first few days. I felt as if I was hearing from Him in small ways, but I wanted it written in the sky in clear, fluffy cloud-letters (which, of course, won’t always be the case). But sure enough, shortly after, He gave me not only a clear answer, but also a promise that I will forever hold onto.
The truth: ending things hurt. And I hurt people. And that hurt even more. I have worked through being both ashamed and sad for the way that my neglect affected both my life and the life of another. However, with this decision, I was able to stand confident in the fact that I was chasing wholeheartedly after where God was leading me, and that confidence was a result of the peace that God wrapped my heart in throughout the entire process.
Ending an engagement comes with a lot more…hmm…just, a lot more. I spent a chunk of my free time in Costa Rica (month 2) un-planning my wedding. Not only physically, but mentally as well. As I cancelled DJ, venue, photographer, etc, it broke my heart each time. Not because of the actual wedding day that I was going to miss (well, slightly that, too), but because the gravity of what I had given to God began to hit me. The life that I had envisioned, the stability of a plan, the hopes invested, and so much more had been abandoned. And that was something that I needed to grieve. Yes, I cognitively knew that placing these things in God’s hands meant that space was created for the life that He has envisioned for me, which is so much sweeter — but I needed to allow my heart to grieve the future that I had planned.
And you know what? God had already surrounded me with the community and environment in which I could freely walk through those emotions that I was experiencing (Yay, world race family!).
So, yes, I stubbornly stayed in a relationship longer than I should’ve. And I could have chosen to continue doing so with the hope of saving some heartache.
BUT, even though it often looks like the longer road, I promise, it is a whole lot easier to turn around and walk your way back to God’s voice than it is to stubbornly continue on in the direction you’re heading.
I am now finishing month 6 of my race, and I have been blown away by what God has taught me about Himself and His faithfulness because of my obedience back in month 1.
10 months ago, I thought I knew what my future held. Now, I may not know what my future holds, but I have a clearer view of the One who holds it. And that is a trade that I will joyfully make every single day.
