As I sat here preparing to write my blog about training camp, I had every intention of writing a humorous post about bucket showers, leaky tents, and only finding alone time in a port-a-potty (you think I’m joking about the alone time? Oh no, I am not). Then, I was convicted and reminded of something. I struggled at training camp, and I struggled hard. There may be time to write a lighter post later on, but to be fair to everyone reading this and supporting me on my journey, the only option is to write about my true experience.
During my training camp preparation, I had scoured the Internet in search of blogs that offered any sort of helpful hints on what to expect from World Race training camp. Would you like to know how many I read that truly prepared me? None. Nearly every blog I had read was pretty vague about what exactly to expect from training camp. I now understand why. Not one person will come out of training camp with the same exact experience, and it is nearly impossible to describe to someone who hasn’t gone through it. So, if you are in the midst of preparing for your own training camp and have stumbled upon my blog in hopes of gaining vast knowledge on what to expect from training camp, I am sorry to say you will not. Hey, what kind of person would I be if I spoiled the surprise of all the crazy World Race scenarios they put you through?! There really is so much more to training camp than surviving World Race scenarios.
Let me begin by announcing that my struggle started from the very beginning. That’s right, the first night I was ready to leave. I had already been in Gainesville for a few days for the women’s Beauty For Ashes retreat that took place before camp. This retreat had already succeeded in breaking down every wall I had built up and unleashing insecurities I had about myself. For dramatic effect, it had rained during the lady’s retreat (a foreshadowing to training camp perhaps?) and my emotions were running rampant. “Ok” I thought, “I can control this and make it through training camp by re-burying my insecurities and not cry anymore”. Wrong. The start of training camp was a punch straight into my gut, knocking the wind out of me. What had been looming over our squad for weeks now was the fact that we were too large and needed to have several of our members completely change routes. Well, the time for that had finally come on the first night of training camp. After a private meeting with our squad followed by worship, the inevitable was upon us. It happened, and although I was not one of the racer’s who ended up having to switch, I had to helplessly watch my World Race family be torn apart as names were drawn at random out of bowl. Amidst the sobs after hearing the names of those we loved so much being pulled out of the bowl (and some amazing people who voluntarily went), I completely lost it, and never quite got it back until the very end of training. Later that night as I laid quietly in my tent with some leftover tears streaming down my face, I asked God why he had just taken away one of the first friends I had made on my squad after being accepted into the World Race, as well as some other well loved members of our WR family. I reminded God that I had already been stressed out to the point of a near panic attack before training camp, and He was only making the anxiety and panic worse by doing this. I wish I could say that this had become a magical moment where I recognized the selfishness of my prayers, but in all honesty, I interrogated God like this for almost the rest of training camp. In addition, the insecurities that had previously been unleashed during the women’s retreat (and some new) had been brought up over and over and over again throughout the rest of camp. To put it simply, I was a wreck.
As someone who is not a fan of emotions and sharing them with others, I had a hard time sharing my struggles with other people around, however, this is what I learned: I cannot enter into the World Race with a wall built up around me. It would be detrimental to the growing of my squad and team, and in turn, may hinder the ministries we are doing to further God’s Kingdom. Everything I had kept to myself all these years had only prevented me from gaining love and support from fellow Christians, as well as growth in my relationship with Christ. At training camp, God taught me that my story matters and that people do in fact care for me. Would you like some good news if you are currently preparing for training camp? Every squad leader, squad mentor, and squad trainer at training camp cared for me and helped me crawl out of the dark hole I had placed myself in years ago when I thought that no one (outside of my family) really cared. I had entered into training camp thinking that my biggest struggle was going to be my serious lack of camping skills. Don’t get me wrong, I DID struggle with that. I don’t think I will ever really enjoy sleeping outside in 40 degree weather while it is rains EVERY SINGLE NIGHT with my tent leaking. But, there is so much more to training camp than surviving and struggling through bizarre (but realistic) World Race scenarios. As it turned out, my real struggle was battling my own inner conflict, coming to the realization that my prayers and questioning of God had been completely selfish, and then finally relinquishing it all to Him close to the last day. That is how training camp changed me, and I was able to accept that this is God’s mission, not my own.
So, to those who were looking forward to reading a post about the crazy scenarios they put you through at training camp (*Hint*: one included me being carried and dragged through the mud), sorry to disappoint. There may be time for that later, but this is to show that training camp will break down your wall, and God WILL heal you.
Here’s to launching in January with my amazing World Race family!
N squad where you at?? Let me hear you holla back!
