For 10 days I was at training camp for the World Race. I slept in a tent out in the cold. I took cold bucket showers (strategically spaced out, of course…). I was frequently seen wearing at least three pairs of pants at once, socks with my sandals, and un-brushed hair pulled back. I cried tears of joy over a roll that tasted like a jelly donut and almost threw up while eating a cricket. My body was sore. My mind was blown. My heart was broken. My soul was restored.
Before I left for camp, I said that I was ready for God to work, and God never disappoints.
Many months ago God gave me a vision of me standing in the parted Red Sea with the cross on the other end. I often go back to that picture to see how much closer I am to the cross, but lately I haven’t moved, so I asked God why. Always be prepared for a tough answer. While the men were away and the ladies were alone at camp, one of our leaders told us to ask God what seed He is trying to plant in us. I received a new picture that night. Instead of being far away from the cross, I was kneeling at the foot of it and holding onto it tightly. And the Lord said this, “You want to be here, but you haven’t fully surrendered yourself to me.” It was definitely one of those moments where you knew something wasn’t right, but you were hoping no one else would notice. God noticed what I was doing, and He lovingly sat me on His knee and invited me, in that moment, to give all of myself over into His loving care. There were parts of me that I was holding onto, things I thought I needed to hold onto, things I just wanted to hold onto, and things I didn’t even know I was holding onto. Nonetheless, they were all holding me back from walking closely with my Father, and it was time to let them go. What sweet freedom comes with the surrender!
There seemed to be a personal theme of surrender over the 10 days.
It started from the very beginning with surrendering my comforts, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. That meant being vulnerable with people I had never met before. Vulnerability isn’t my thing. Putting myself out there and trusting other people with my “junk” isn’t my thing, but it had to become my thing, and it had to happen quickly because we dove right in.
I was given an awesome description of what it truly means to be vulnerable. Imagine you have a gun. In the gun are bullets specific to you- your fears, your insecurities, your struggles. These are bullets designed to hurt you and you alone. Now pass the gun. In passing the gun you are choosing to trust someone enough to not use those bullets against you. But the beauty lies in passing the gun. You are shining light into the darkness and getting your struggles into the open. You can pass the gun, or you can keep it and risk hurting yourself or letting the enemy take it and use it against you.
I’ve always held onto the gun. The enemy has always used my gun against me. He used bullets of brokenness, but God created bandages of love and grace. I had to take off the bandages at training camp and let everyone see the bullet holes, holes marked with shame. The incredible thing was that there didn’t have to be any shame about it. We all had wounds- some similar, some unfamiliar, all created by the enemy. We saw each of them for what they were and covered them with prayer as we watched God take away the sting and start healing.
There was no shame at training camp-not in the way we looked or smelled, the way we worshiped, the way we prayed, or the way we walked in surrender to each other and the Lord. The best part was being able to see His goodness in the surrender. Even as I write this blog I am reminded that surrender is what this whole thing has always been about. It’s been about letting go of myself and letting God work through me for the good of His kingdom. It isn’t easy, but relationship with the Lord is the reward and it is worth it.
