Some of the best feedback I’ve ever received was during the second month of the Race in Botswana.
“Ali, you have nothing to prove to anyone”
At first I wasn’t sure exactly what to think. I didn’t know what it meant entirely, but the more I thought about it, the more real it became.
I thought about the moments in my life and circumstances when I was essentially trying to prove something to someone; to prove my worth, prove to be cool, funny, pretty, smart, in the right, strong, popular, emotionally stable, and justified.
I came to the conclusion that I am constantly trying to prove myself.
Then the phrase “so what?” followed that thought of the feedback I received.
“So what? So what if they don’t like you? So what if you don’t prove yourself to be justified? So what if you aren’t the prettiest in the room or the most social or the smartest or the fittest? So what if you are weird and awkward? So what if you don’t have ‘cool’ stories or anything to contribute to a conversation. So what?”
My mind went through so many examples. I thought of the worst case scenario for all of those. And when I thought about it, it wasn’t really that bad. Okay, so that person doesn’t like you. So you aren’t the most social, the fittest, the prettiest, the coolest? So what?
I felt myself becoming more at ease. More peaceful in my everyday walk. I was more myself. It was almost as if a barrier was crushed. I stopped trying to explain myself in certain scenarios. I stopped trying so hard.
I knew this was something the Lord was wanting to discuss with me because it was so heavy on my heart. During our debrief after Vietnam, one of our alumni squad leaders made the comment “Jesus had nothing to prove to anyone when He died on the cross. He could have saved Himself, could have showed everyone who He was. But He didn’t. He already knew who He was. He had nothing to prove to anyone.”
That’s it. Mic drop. Man, that’s good. Come on!!
Jesus didn’t defend himself. He didn’t have to. He allowed people to mock Him, misunderstand Him, misconstrue their opinion of Him. None of that mattered to Him because He knew who He was and what had to be done for The Kingdom. He knew His Father’s love for Him. He saw beyond Himself.
How often are we trying to prove ourselves? Prove something to the world. We get so caught up in trying to prove ourselves that we lose sight of what’s really important, the bigger picture and what must be done for The Kingdom.
We allow worldly opinions to alter our Kingdom task. It’s so crucial that we know our Father’s love for us. We must look ahead beyond ourselves.
I’ll be honest and let you guys in on a little secret. Something I’ve never actually told anyone nor quite personally accepted.
There was a part of me that wanted to do the world race to prove a lot of things to a lot of people.
Some of those people were my supporters.
I’m sure many of us racers are all guilty of trying to prove themselves to their supporters. Prove that they are doing something so wonderful so that their supporters don’t regret donating and supporting them.
So we post pictures. We write blogs. We tell people back home things that are going on but we filter out the things that we think might make us look less or might not provoke any reaction.
But the thing is, we have nothing to prove to our supporters. I know that sounds harsh but just hear me out here.
Just because this is “the world race” where we abandon everything to live out of two backpacks for 11 months and bring tents and sleeping bags and all the things from REI doesn’t mean we are going to be “roughing it.” There are some months when we have beds to sleep in, showers, a place to put our clothes. We have access to pretty much anything. And then sometimes we don’t.
Every person’s race is different. Everyone has totally different experiences. And that’s okay. So what if you didn’t ride elephants or see Angkor Wat? So what if you didn’t work in anti human trafficking ministry? So what? So what if you never worked at an orphanage and only taught English for 11 months?
We are exactly where we are supposed to be doing exactly what we are supposed to be. God has reasoning for it all.
Another thing I was trying to prove was to the ones who knew me during my “dark time.” My dark time was a season where I was making wrong decision after wrong decision after wrong decision. I didn’t respect myself and to be honest, I don’t think there were many who respected me either.
In the midst of that was when I was raped, which sparked another opportunity to prove something.
In denial of what it actually was, I tried making that night as normal as possible by covering it up with more bad decisions. I wanted to prove to myself that I was in control and that I was strong enough to not be the girl who was taken advantage of. I didn’t want to accept that it happened to me and it can happen to anyone.
A part of me applied for this journey because I thought I could prove myself as a “good” person to those who knew that side of me. I wanted to prove to myself that I could figure out who I was, but in reality my identity was waiting right there all along for me to step into. I wanted to redeem myself, redeem my bad qualities. I wanted to prove to those who disrespected me that I was doing well and that they didn’t damage me, they didn’t destroy me.
And to be quite frank, I also wanted to prove to the guys I dated, my exes, that they shouldn’t have left me or they should have fought for me. I realized I was holding onto that for quite some time. Fortunately, the Lord and I have worked that out and I’ve walked in that freedom. I think when we try to prove ourselves, it’s because we aren’t confident in who we are. We aren’t secure with our identity or we have our identity in something superficial.
When we know who we are in Christ, others’ opinions don’t matter to us. It doesn’t matter if we are unworthy according to world standards.
When we know who we are in Christ, we know we are already accepted, by the One who matters. When we know who we are, we don’t get bothered by fickle things, by fickle opinions, by fickle circumstances.
Back in high school I had a few friends who would always say, “I love this [article of clothing] but I don’t think I could pull it off.”
Every time my response was: “You can pull off anything if you sport it with confidence and think you can pull it off. Act like you pull it off. Then you will.”
Looking back on that, I think that statement applies to more than just clothing. I think we all need more confidence in who we are and that comes with not trying to prove anything to anyone. Now, That’s not to say we need to be overly confident to the extent of arrogance. But why can’t we make our own decisions and be confident in them? Why are we trying to prove ourselves worthy? Even in the little things during the day.
When we are trying to prove ourselves, it’s because we have allowed insecurities to take over. Listen folks, I’ve been a very insecure person. Probably my whole life. I hate to say that it took me coming on the Race to identify many of my insecurities and walk a lot of them out.
I’m still walking through a lot. And I recognize that.
But listen, it’s not fun being insecure. Walking around constantly having other people’s opinions hovering over you. There is no freedom in insecurity. End of statement.
I unfortunately don’t have all the answers to fix your insecurities. But I do have one.
Give it to the Lord. I promise He will expose and then walk through them with you. He will let you know that you have nothing to prove. He will make you confident in your identity when you submit that over to Him. And once we start submitting and start allowing Him to work, we realize who we actually are. We stop trying to prove ourselves because it doesn’t matter.
Be free, child. You have nothing to prove.
