Preface: this blog has been on my heart for months but I haven’t quite found the words to write. I’ve been trying to figure out if I wanted to share this or not, however, I have every reason to share. But it seems to be a reoccurring theme.
Many of you who know me and are following my journey not only around the world but my journey in life, know a few basic things about me. First, I’m sure many of you know that I am currently traveling the world loving on people and sharing The Good News of Christ.
Also you all probably know my story, my testimony of where I was, where the Lord has brought me and how My Father has revealed His calling for my life. After enduring many struggles in life, I’ve realized what my heart beats for: broken women.
Third, you all know I was just recently in Madagascar in March of this year and some cool things happened.
Hopefully you all who are reading this read my blog called “Here in Madagascar.” Clever title name right? Well consider this the Part 2 of that blog, because I have some more cool confirmation to write about.
So, let’s get into it shall we?
On our last day of ministry, we wanted to take our translators out to lunch and treat them to show them our appreciation for the month and to tell them how much of a blessing they were to us.
I heard about a restaurant to eat at called Saka Manga and supposedly it was really wonderful. So that was our destination. The area of town it was in was very aesthetically pleasing. I honestly cannot describe it; all that I can say is that the area was inviting.
The two teams arrived at Saka Manga which was a hotel but has a restaurant for anyone to eat. We were all hungry for food and internet considering the fact that internet in Madagascar is tough to find. The instant we walked in I noticed how the atmosphere changed. It seemed like we were being loud Americans in a quiet restaurant. The other people eating their lunch simply stared and a few gave us some borderline stank faces, although, it could’ve been just how their face was.
I digress.
We all sit down and begin ordering after a few minutes of scoping out the menu. And of course everyone was trying to connect to the internet. Mine wasn’t working though. My squad mate sitting next to me had a perfect connection and mine wouldn’t connect. I began to feel my frustration over something silly.
Soon into our lunch I began coughing from a mild cold I had on and off the entire month. I couldn’t stop and it became a bit violent if we are being honest. It was a little strange because I hadn’t really coughed at all that day and it felt a little like my throat was getting tighter. But I figured it was just a coughing spree and nothing more. It happens.
Okay, let’s cut to the chase. I want to skip a few minor details because I want to get to the good part of this story.
We finished lunch and headed to catch a bus. We met up with one of my teammates who left early to run an errand and she was extremely upset. On the bus, she tells us that one of our translators informed her that Saka Manga was a huge hub for sex trafficking. She said that the entire area we were in was known for sexual tourism, which is basically the trafficking industry but geared towards tourists. Most of these women who are trafficked are sold by their families (their fathers) in hopes that a foreign man will take her back to his “better life.”
When I first heard this, I was in shock. Then all within a 20-minute bus ride, I went through every stage of emotion. I broke down. The more I thought about it the sicker I became. I wanted to throw up. I was disgusted. I was shaking.
I thought of the reality of these women. Having to service double digit men in one single day. How can a women’s body handle that?
And then it happened. I started becoming angry, not only with the whole situation and reality, but with God as well.
“Lord, why didn’t you tell me? If this is the area you want me ministering in, why couldn’t I recognize it? Where is that discernment?”
“I did. You just didn’t listen.”
My mind instantly went back to my obsession over trying to get the wifi connection to work and my coughing attack.
Were those little moments from Him saying, “Hey! Pay attention, Al!”?
“But Lord, why did it have to happen like this? Having to go into a dark place and not recognizing it?”
“How else did you expect it to happen? You can’t change something that you’re not around or immersed in.”
One of my squad mates who was sitting behind me said, “The Lord told me that one reason that all happened was for you.”
“Yeah, He just told me the same.”
I felt a weird sense of “Are you ready to walk out this calling I have for you? This isn’t something you, Ali, are going to ease into.”
Oh boy.
Then, peace surrounded me. What? Peace? Why am I at peace?
Because I suppose He is just cool like that.
It wasn’t until a few weeks later in Vietnam that it all connected.
I found pictures of my training camp journal on my phone that I had taken to look back on.
Then I saw it.
It was the image the Lord gave me one night that blew me away.
It was an image of me in a Red Light District, in the middle of an alleyway, with doors to different brothels along side of me. At the end of the alleyway there was a door that was exploding with light.
I got chills as I remembered what the Lord had said after the Saka Manga experience: “You can’t change something you’re not around or immersed in.”
Then I looked below the image I had drawn and saw it.
Scribbled down was:
“You have to go into the darkness to be the light, Ali.”
Oh, I get it. I wonder if the Lord was trying to tell me something.
That’s the thing. I don’t know how many of you get comfortable with thinking that we can just change things by standing where we are but I know I have been guilty of that mindset. I think I always knew that fact, but didn’t envision what that would actually feel like. Of course I’ve had images of actually going into these places, purchasing women and simply talking with them to give them some rest.
But I failed to remember that emotions are a real thing and thought I would be this normal unshaken person when in reality, if that’s what’s to come, I’m going to have all sorts of feels. I can’t run from emotion. None of us can.
Going into these dark places isn’t going to be easy. And so far they haven’t been. Ever since then, my discernment has become so much better and there have been instances when I walk by a building, a massage parlor, a spa or such and I feel the heaviness. I get chills, my heart races and my body begins to hurt.
One night in Vietnam we all went to do karaoke. Before I even reached the door, my throat began tightening up and I felt sick to my stomach. My entire body had a surge of chills.
In Vietnam, the karaoke places after a certain time of night turn into these prostitution bases.
I couldn’t shake the feeling. I’ve never had a reaction like that. But I was relieved to recognize that I had more discernment than the month before.
I wanted to leave. But a conversation with a teammate helped put things into perspective.
We possess the Holy Spirit inside us as Christ followers. We bring that light wherever we go. So in order to bring light into the darkness, and for it to shine bright, it’s crucial that we go into the dark. We can’t do it from the outside. We just can’t.
It’s like a lifeguard saving someone who is drowning in the water. He can’t just sit on his post and expect that simply because he is a lifeguard that he can save this drowning person. He can’t be separated from the situation and still have an impact. He himself must going into where the need is and directly pull this person out of the water.
It’s the same thing.
And something my teammate said really hurt, in the best way. The Lord had spoken to her in that moment and said “Don’t you see that this is where I would be hanging out?”
Jesus was surrounded by darkness all the time by hanging out with the sinners and prostitutes and such, but He was bringing the light.
He was the light.
We have to realize that we are the light for the Kingdom and that we bring that wherever we go
