Month 5 of the race. The month that most every racer says is the hardest month.
I’m going to get down to it and cut to the chase.
We were in Cambodia. I struggled. This blog may sound like a large complaint but I promise that is not my intention. I never want to whine or just talk about the negatives. I’m not that sort of person. My intentions for this blog are first of all to simply write. I’ve been in such a rough patch with writing and I do apologize for all those who are wondering where I disappeared to. Donald Miller’s book “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” has been a wonderful resource and motivational tool to have. I’m the kind of writer who allows the “oh this blog sucks” or the “I can’t get passed this sentence. How do I put this into words? My words suck” thoughts to hinder me from actually putting forth the effort and just writing.
The key is to just write, regardless of how you feel. I don’t do that. Or least I haven’t been.
So now, I write this because I just need to write and then allow the Holy Spirit to guide my fingers. I have to abandon the thought of whether or not my writing is deemed “good” or not. Who cares?
Another reason I want to write this and share is because we all love/hate vulnerability. And I’m all about it. So here is me, naked with emotion. These are things that most people don’t share because they only want to share the highlights. I think as a whole we are all getting better at it, but I want to keep breaking the ice with saying the things that no one does.
Cambodia was hard. I won’t sugar coat things nor will I exaggerate.
I didn’t just love it there. The only reason I would go back would be to “properly” see all 500 acres of Angkor Wat whatever that means. And I would NOT come back in May, one of the hottest months and the beginning of rainy season. So needless to say, I wouldn’t be mad if I didn’t return. Now that isn’t intended to deter anyone from enjoying Cambodia. This was simply my personal experience.
I just had a hard month and that’s okay.
The first half of the month was hot. And humid. And sticky. Still is. Now, this isn’t to be compared to the Florida weather of hot and humid. This is worse in my opinion. There is no comparison. Florida is child’s play compared to this. There are very few times when my body is dry. I didn’t feel clean nor pretty really at all. I’m realizing I’ve gained weight (thanks to all the daily foot-long French baguettes in Madagascar).
I also went into last month with a wicked heat rash all over my body. My arms, my chest, my face, my legs. My sensitive skin just isn’t cut out for the 100+ degree weather. So that most definitely put me back a little bit.
For ministry, we were able to pick and choose which classes we wanted to help teach. Because My first 4 days were occupied with me laying in the bed trying not to sweat to make my rash worse, it was hard for me to mentally jump back in when I did. I chose to help with a computer class because, why not? It’s funny considering computers are not my strong suit. In fact, I’m pretty terrible with technology in general but what’s life without a good challenge?
Needless to say, I really could only teach the basics of Microsoft Word and PowerPoint. But that’s okay because at least I was able to [semi] talk to the students.
I realized that I can’t ride a bike. I mean, I can, but not very well. I made my teammates nervous. One day I wrecked it. In front of a lot of traffic. Because there isn’t much traffic law in Cambodia, one guy on a motor bike cut me off and I flipped up onto the medium because handle brakes are a thing? A drunk gardener (at 9:30am) saw the whole thing happen and was laughing and trying to communicate with me. I wheeled over to a hotel entrance on my flat tire bike. The drunk gardener followed me with his theatrical charades and at this point I was so embarrassed and so irritated. He then proceeds to explain to the hotel gate man and very dramatically act out everything that happened as I’m sitting there with a bloody cut on my leg. Then gate homeboy offers me a nasty, dirty, greasy, car rag to wipe on my open wound. Okay, no thanks. I’m not trying to get an infection here. I’ll just let it bleed.
Anyways, that’s a story that’s better to tell in person. So schedule a time with me in 6 months and I’ll retell that one.
Month five was the month right after the big team changes. So it was the first month us six girls were all together on the race, minus a few who had been on a team before. I don’t like using the term “starting over” but we all had to leave behind teams where we knew each other well. Personally, my old team and I were to a point where we could guess what we were thinking. We knew each other’s struggles, each other’s progress and growth and knew our boundaries. The hard things were already said.
So with a new team, you have to say the initial hard things; we didn’t know each other’s boundaries and struggles and all the things. So this past month was hard having to expose all of that again. And it’s still a process. Only some hard things have been said, only some boundaries and struggles have been shared. We are still getting to know each other. Community isn’t easy. And I’ll be honest, there are times that everyone hates it.
On top of that, one of my best friends got married the first weekend in May and that was really tough not being there. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and skyped in to watch it. When I saw my best friend and heard the vows exchanged, I cried. I wanted to be there so bad. Mentally, I was present there. So that meant I was absent in Cambodia. I was living vicariously through snapchats and texts messages so that I could experience the weekend and the event the best I could. After the weekend, my absence rolled over. Then I realized it lingered for pretty much the entire month. I was homesick. I fantasized about being home. Little yearnings came up and I was mad that I was in this spot, the spot I said I would never be in.
Okay okay. I understand that maybe at this point you are saying to yourself “I just wasted roughly around 4.5 minutes of my life to read about Souther’s complaints from Cambodia.” (Yes I timed it.)
So to spare you from any more pain and agony, I will say, this month was the month that I started realizing I was beginning to bear the fruit I had been praying for all this time. Things I was frustrated that I wasn’t seeing progress in during my time in Vietnam.
I guess it’s sort of like mangoes. (I suppose mangoes come up considering this was this month that we were surrounded by mango trees and ate an average of 5 a day. But I’d also like to give the Holy Spirit the credit for this reference.) Mangoes need some harsh heat to be able to produce and grow in. Month five was hot, not only literally but symbolically. But I am able to see some fruit start to ripen.
And it’s cool that I personally can see it. Usually other people see your growth. Despite how tough Cambodia was for me, I’m glad it happened.
Here it is people:
“And when they had called in the apostles, they beat them and charged them not to speak in the name of Jesus and let them go. Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name.” (Acts 5:40,41)
Worthy to suffer for His name…..hmmmmm
…to be continued….
