I’m not always great at being vulnerable. I thought I was, but there’s a deeper level within me that I’m not willing to go to with people. This side of me only comes out rarely, usually when I’m not expecting it. The tears start flowing and I get so flustered, how do I deal with all of these emotions? I don’t want people looking at me when I’m crying! EMOTIONS EVERYWHERE!!! I fight it and fight it, until I finally break.
We were washing dishes at our ministry center and had just finished lunch with the children. They were off playing, and my friends and I sat on our little kid chairs as we scrubbed the lunch bowls.
I had just received a letter from my teammate Sarah asking how I was doing and saying “if you want to talk about anything I’m here.” I had pondered the letter and not thought much about it. Had I been myself lately? I hadn’t even realized, or given myself the time to see.
I started off our conversation and began opening up about how I was feeling. I expressed how I didn’t feel like I fit in on the race. How everyone else felt more passionate about the Lord. I love God, but I love the world He created too. I didn’t feel like I belonged with these people who wanted their entire lives to revolve around Him.
I started crying, and my favorite child at our center walked around the corner. My friend Taylor said “be transparent with her, children need that.” And so hesitantly, I continued to let the tears run down my face.
This little girl and I had bonded lately over giggles and a new game we created together. She runs at me and I catch her like a groom catches a bride and we spin around and around. This sweet girl had begun stealing my heart.
Little Watanna saw tears in my eyes and came closer. She sat in the plastic chair across from me and placed her toes up against mine. Then she reached out her hands and ours intertwined. She speaks little English, but she didn’t need to to understand that I didn’t need her words, but just her presence. The tears continued flowing as I laughed because God knows what I need so very well.
She came to sit in my lap and wiped my tears. Then she reached down into the water, cleaned my eyes, and smiled at herself as she covered her own face in faucet water tears. I continued to cry and cry while holding Watanna tight in my lap. She then pulled me to my feet and we played our ‘run, jump, spin’ game, making me laugh again as she always does.
The sweetness of this moment hit that soft part of my heart. The part God created, and the part only He knows how to reach. It’s where children and puppies and cheesy romance movies live. The part that melts so naturally, like butter in the rising sun.
I clearly saw Jesus in this moment. He was so proud of me for being honest, for letting myself break and be okay with not being okay. And He wanted me to know how much He loved me, how much He saw me. He came along, grabbed my hand, wiped my hears, and made my heart beat again. I couldn’t stop smiling.
I love when He speaks directly to us. These moments are the ones I live for, the ones I love to talk about. The Lord is always speaking to us. He always wants to love on us and tell us things. But what I realized in this moment is how much He just wants us to be real.
You think your Dad is proud of you for keeping it all together. When in all reality, He’s proud of you for letting it all fall apart. Recognizing that you actually don’t have it all together. That’s when He comes in, that’s when He says, you’re right, you don’t, but I’ll still come. I’ll still hold your hand, wipe your tears, hold you so tightly, and made your heart laugh again. Gosh I’m so grateful that she created my heart, and that He knows how to make it smile again.
