I’ve felt like I was thrown into the ocean, barely knowing how to swim, and no life boat in sight. And everyone around me seemed to have pool noodles, or those cute baby arm floaties you still wish you could wear.
Coming onto the race, I was so excited to grow. I was so excited to learn, so exited to give up everything for the Lord. But I didn’t realize how HARD, how PAINFUL, how CHALLENGING that would be.
I’m on a squad of 60 wonderful people. 60 beautiful Christians who decided to fully commit to 11 months away from home, 11 months of uncertainty, 11 months of uncomfortability. It’s very easy to feel much less special amongst these people. My squad is so talented, so fearless. They’re the kind of people that will change the world. The kind of people that will simultaneously intimidate and inspire you because they’re just so darn incredible.
I started becoming very insecure about my relationship with the Lord, and about who I was. In this culture of people that were constantly growing and seeking after the Lord, I didn’t feel like I could keep up. I felt like I was drowning, and everyone else was somehow staying afloat.
After living in this for these past few months, I’ve had some realizations. These realizations were right in front of me the whole time, I was just too stubborn to acknowledge them. It was so much easier to continue drowning than to ask for help. So often I need it, but don’t even let myself realize it because my pride is too big. My pride weighs me down like an anchor, keeping me from learning how to swim with everyone else.
From someone who allowed herself to sink, I want to offer a few pieces of advice. And if you’re sitting in a stubborn place for whatever reason, stop. Slap yourself around a little bit before you keep reading. When we’re too underwater, everything’s muffled and we can hear what people are saying, but we aren’t actually listening. So don’t waste your time trying to read this unless you’re going to come up for a breath of air and actually hear me out.
Comparison will kill your spirit.
We get so focused on everyone else we forget the goodness we already hold. Subconsciously we get stuck in an ER mindset. We want to be prettier, thinner, smarter, funnier, better. We strive to be the best and get satisfaction when others fail. We want to be affirmed that who we are is desirable.
But doing this is so unhealthy. We end up internally fighting each other instead of working together. Why can’t we just be happy for people? We have to have all the glory. “We should be as enthusiastic for the success of others as we are for ourselves.” Imagine if we actually chose to love each other and love ourselves as we are.
If we continue comparing ourselves, our spirit will go down with us. We will never be satisfied with anything. We’ll always be searching for the next thing, striving to keep up.
Perspective is everything.
So much of what I was feeling was my perspective. I got stuck focusing on everyone else, I couldn’t just accept myself. We create the reality we want. And I was creating one where I felt like I wasn’t enough, because I was allowing that to take up residence.
We constantly think that the grass is greener on the other side. But the grass is greener where you water it. We create ideas in our heads about how others are, what their lives are like, and what they might think. We perceive who others might be. But we forget that absolutely everyone struggles. I led myself to believe I was the only one struggling. But that was just the perspective, the perception I chose to have.
You are unique,
and you should be.
I sit here writing this on a bus in South Africa. I am stuffing handfuls of popcorn in my mouth while my friends sleep serenely next to me. My hands are greasy, I’m covered in crumbs, and I look like a mess. I am weird. “The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.” I love to be awkward and uncomfortable situations make me giggle. I appreciate honesty and real conversation. I like to challenge the status quo, I can talk to anybody I meet, and sometimes I pick my nose. OOPS! I said it.
I am unique. And I’m supposed to be. If we were all meant to be the same, we would all look the same. But we don’t. God made us all different purposefully. Instead of wishing we were different, wishing we were more like somebody else, we should be embracing the person we already are.
It’s okay if you don’t connect with the Lord in the same way that someone else does. It’s okay if your art looks different. It’s okay if you don’t like pizza (sometimes I don’t). It’s okay if you’re confused and broken and feeling a little lost. WHO YOU ARE IS BEAUTIFUL. Christ makes us feel whole again. He gives us direction and hope. Accept the gifts and talents and quirks you’ve been blessed with. The more you love yourself, the more other people will be encouraged to love who they are too.
So I encourage you, I challenge you, I want you to be yourself. Enough uncertainty, enough comparison, enough drowning. Half of anything is just believing. And that’s a choice you have to make.
I can’t say that I’m in a perfect place now. We never will be, not until we get to heaven. But at least I’m trying. Even if that means asking for help, or saying “I’m struggling.” Saying “I’m not okay, and I just need to be that for a while.” Your feelings are valid. You are valid. You have value. And just as I’m telling you this, I’m also telling myself. Sometimes we have to help ourselves believe.
STOP comparing yourself. Start loving yourself. Fully dive into who the Lord created you to be, quiet, crazy, gracious, fearless. Maybe you’re all of those things. You already know who you are, it’s written in your heart. Ask the Lord to help you see that person you’ve been keeping yourself from.
START allowing everything to be as it is. Don’t over complicate, don’t over think. Be OVER that. Give yourself and others grace, knowing we’re all trying the best we can, but we’ve all got struggles, and we always will.
GO and be yourself. When you give yourself the freedom to be who you’ve been created to, your soul will feel as free and wild as the waves we’re all fighting to stay afloat.
The Father loves you through all of this. And He’ll be so proud when you allow yourself the kind of love you deserve. The kind of love you’ve been longing for. The kind of love that only you can give yourself if you choose to.
