I learned about Jesus a few years ago. I didn’t realize how much I needed Him until then. I was comfortable in my life, but the comfort that came from the Lord was completely different, completely better.
I started going to church, and I loved how it made me feel. People were telling me how much God loved us, and how much freedom our lives could hold if we let it. I wanted it, and I wanted God.
But I have absolutely limited Him and myself. I believed that my relationship with Him could only go so far. And if I’m honest, I didn’t want to surrender. I’ve thought that if I give everything to God that I’m losing some of myself. And so I’ve been stubborn. And I’ve sat and watched others grow deeper relationships with Him. But I wasn’t willing to put in the work myself.
I didn’t want to read scripture. I didn’t want to read God’s word, or work at knowing Him better. I only wanted to give up parts of myself, but there are parts I’ve kept. I didn’t want to forgive people or surrender my relationships. I listened only when I wanted.
So I run. And I’ve continued to search for God in everything else. I’ve thought, ‘why can’t I have the world and God too?’ I’ve lived in two worlds, not fully committed to one or the other.
Steve Furtick from Elevation Church said “how do I know what my capacity is if I never challenge it?” He talked about how we give God conditions. We walk into church with mindsets of the things only we want to believe. And when someone challenges that we shut down.
He also said, “how do I know what I’m capable of if I never get beyond what I’m comfortable with? It wasn’t my capacity that hindered me, but my conditioning.” And so I’ve created a capacity that only allows me and God to go so far. I’ve conditioned myself to believe that I couldn’t have more, and that I didn’t want it.
“Maybe you’ve come to the end of yourself and you know you need God more.” I think everyone gets to this point. Anyone that walks into church, or meets someone who loves the Lord. You realize that living life for yourself is no longer fulfilling. It’s like we’re living in a movie, and it’s no longer fun to watch. You need a new author of your story. One that’s not so self-concerned.
So even though I’ve given God my pen, I want to allow Him to have my pages too. To write a story that I never could on my own. One that’s allowed me to fundraise $15,500 and brought me to 3 different countries already. One that’s blessed me with living in the Himalayan mountains and next to the palm beaches of Vietnam. One that helps me realize that giving all of myself to Him, actually means giving all of myself to me, too.
