My team and I are staying in the Himalayan mountains in Nepal this month. We take a bus and travel up the windy, narrow roads to the top of the mountain. Usually I ride on the roof and hang on tight to the metal bars. I can see the stars and the city lights. And when I look down, I can see edge, so close and so steep.
We’re helping with construction of what will one day will be a resort for missionaries. A place to come and seek rest and God. We’re digging dirt, cutting grass with little machetes, and helping paint. I wear the same clothes everyday. Shorts, a tshirt, and sneakers. Life is simple. With a dream so big, it’s hard to see progress. But when I look up to the sky, I know the birds can see how far it’s come.
I’m learning about letting things go, and not indulging in things just to escape from others. I’m learning that we either face ourselves, or we fill ourselves. I’m living at the top of a mountain without internet. I can’t talk to my friends whenever I want. I eat the same thing nearly everyday. I can’t go and get ice cream. I can’t go shopping or wear something new, because my wardrobe consists of 4 outfits. I can’t just lay on my couch and watch a movie. I can’t fill myself with these things.
Those simple little things that seem to be ones we just enjoy go deeper than we realize. Without the comforts and independence of home, I’m challenged to actually face what I’m feeling. When I’m frustrated, I can’t just get lost online, scrolling along my newsfeed. When I’m upset, I can’t call my friends to come cheer me up and distract my mind. When I’m sad, I can’t go get a carton of Ben and Jerry’s, or shop and receive instant gratification.
And so we learn to face the feelings we have, instead of filling them with other things. Why do I feel the need to get lost online, with my friends, or with food? We’ve become so numb to our emotions,
we don’t even realize we’re not in tune with them.
Without all of those distractions, I’ve made time to write. I’ve made time to be with the Lord. To play music and write songs. To reflect on wounds I’ve bandaged in my life and recognize the pain I haven’t worked through. Every action you have has a root, a reason, a why. You don’t just indulge in things randomly. Without us even realizing, our brains and bodies do it for us.
I like to shop. I’ll get lost in TJ Maxx and spend money on clothes that I don’t need, but ones I want. I love wearing different outfits and looking cute. But I can’t do that here. Our wardrobes are limited and I wear modest missionary clothes. Something that I’ve been learning through this is that when I want to get my mind off something, I shop.
And I’ve made myself face some hard truths about my life. Something that’s come up personally is that I haven’t fully worked through the pain my relationships have left me. God teaches us about forgiveness and loving everyone, but I’m not fully there. As much as I’ve tried, you can still hear the sadness and hurt that lingers. And when you take away my comforts, I have no choice but to face that and work through it with God.
What are you filling your life with? Why are you doing the things you do? Ask yourself these questions, but truly ask them. We’ve become a culture that lives so much on the surface, we’ve forgotten how beautiful and dark our depths are. And even though they’re sometimes dark, there’s still beauty down there.
I challenge you to fast from something. Something that you lean into, something you get a little lost in. Whatever your thing is, get rid of it for a little while. A week, a month, whatever you need. And see what starts to come from it when you don’t have that comfort any longer.
The Lord will reveal things to you when you give up the material things and choose to rely on Him. Relationships you haven’t healed from, people you haven’t forgiven, frustrations that you suppress. Those dark places that we hide from. When you face these things and forgive them, and yourself, they no longer hold weight over you.
And so you can continue to fill yourself with everything else of the world, or you can make a decision to finally start facing yourself. And when you choose to face yourself, however broken you may feel, the Lord will bless that and make you whole again.
