“Search me, O God, and know my heart…See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalms 139: 23-24
I have this idea in my head that if I don’t know “it”, then I can’t be held responsible for it. So sometimes, if I’m really being honest, I don’t want to know. If I don’t know there is pride or anger or envy in my life, then what can be expected of me? If I break the rules because I don’t know the rules, then I’m still innocent, right?
And sometimes I find myself pretty satisfied with where I am. Truthfully, I know there is something in my life that needs altering…that I can be better, closer to God, more Christ-like, purer. But if I don’t look inward to see what’s holding me back, then I can’t change it—so I remain where I am, happy because I’m ignoring the offense in me.
But then I’m also missing out on all the awesomeness that could be if I just owned up to it. Fighting a battle and winning usually comes with spoils. So I’ve found that praying for God to search my heart can be a challenge. Why? Because I know that I’ll encounter stuff I don’t want to own up to, and I know that there is probably a process involved in overcoming it. But I also know that I’ll take some epic steps forward if I do.
Sometimes it’s easy to think about the struggles of the World Race: the sacrifices, the lost comforts, what I’ll miss while I’m gone, even the bugs- – all the costs of the Race. And sometimes all the future struggles push the current struggles out of my mind, and I forget that right now I have battles to fight and changes to make.
In a little over 5 months, I’m going to step into a new arena…all my ships will be burned and the only thing I’ll have to hold onto is Christ. I don’t want to reach that point and realize that everything I haven’t faced is preventing me from doing what God has told me to do.
My prayer? Search me and know my heart. See if there is any offensive way in me. If there is, cut it out, remove it and lead me in Your path because that’s the only place I want to be.
There is nothing so great in me that God cannot conquer it.
