Since 4:15 pm on Friday March 21st, my head has been flooded with joy, anticipation, thankfulness, & dreams of adventure. But I would be lying if I said all of these thoughts & daydreams have washed away the impending fears looming amongst my elation. I am fighting daily with shadows of doubt; lying voices whispering uncertainty and inadequacies in my ear. There is a constant struggle between my heart and my head over my calling to the world and my flesh’s desire for comfort. This has created daily, conscious battle of choosing not to dwell upon the unknown trials of life before me, but the promises & truths of today.
I know that God is sovereign and perfect. I know that He holds my past, present, and future in His gracious hands. I know He gives and takes as He sees fit & His plan is infinitely better than my own. These are all things I know. & all useful things to remember in times of trial. I believe the bible is 100% true. I believe God does not lie. I believe God will provide each and every miniscule need I could ever need. I know that He alone is sufficient. You see, these are all easy things to say & to journal & to hum during worship. YES I believe I am the child of a King who loves me without a shadow of doubt & YES He is enough for me.
But is He?
I have quickly realized I have never experienced a point in my life where I needed to move beyond the point of verbalizing Christ’s all sufficiency into actually TRUSTING in The Provider of all good & perfect things. But here I am, being torn in two directions. Half of me overflows with anticipation of my ministry to come. The other half is buried in the darkness of what was a façade of trust in God’s sovereignty, but in actuality, prideful self-sufficiency. God has quickly torn down the weak walls I have tried to build out of empty words of partial surrender & half open hands. I have been willing to surrender to God SOME of the gifts he has bestowed upon me, but the deepest of my being hasn’t been fully convinced that if I had nothing left, I would be content with My Jesus alone. My prayer is that in the coming months, as God prepares my heart for international ministry, I would be stripped of doubts & filled with assurance that Jesus ALONE can & will satisfy, sustain, provide + protect. I pray that the faulty home I have built on sinking sand will be washed away and God would build in me a new, unshakable foundation, anchored in His goodness and promises.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
& my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.
