In a nut shell the most profound concept I am walking away with after four years at Penn State is that Jesus is real.
Initially I never wanted to attend college, I thought it was a waste of money and time. I found it difficult to connect with school in general, I had a hard time enjoying learning and found most my teachers saw me as a goofball and put more time into disciplining me than teaching me. The thought of continuing my education seemed pointless. During my early high school years I knew I enjoyed helping people, I believed in Jesus Christ and saw a bright future when I envisioned joining the two through working for a non profit organization. My beliefs about college changed midway through my junior year of high school when my history teacher valued my work and personally addressed the potential she saw in me. I guess that was all it took, for one teacher to believe that I could not only create something great, but be someone great.
After graduating high school in 2008 I took a year off of school all together and officially started my college career in the summer of 2009.
As the thought of me, Ali Bruce, attending college was still relatively fresh I found myself frustrated and questioning if I had made the right choice. For the first two years at Penn State I had not declared a major and again felt as though my schooling experience may be pointless. I continued to take classes that interested me, as I researched possible majors. When the time came where I needed to declare a major, the only possible fit without having to take another year of college was sociology. I thought, well I won’t be getting a job with this degree but I have enjoyed my Soc classes thus far, so I went with it. The next year, my junior year, I had well established friendships that were life giving but there was still a great disconnect between my relationship and belief in Jesus and my education. Thoughts began to creep into my mind that my whole belief in Jesus was for nothing because I seemed to be rolling along in life without a purpose. I knew I had heart changing experiences with Jesus and embraced the love I received from prayer and reading the bible but where did the rest of my life fit
into this relationship with God?
As my junior year began I found myself enrolled in a course called BiSci 003. I had heard the course was interesting with a hippy-environment focus that was not like any other course at Penn State. So obviously I signed up for it. This course would provide answers to my questions about school, expel my doubts about Jesus and the uncertainty about my intelligence. So much would be revealed to me about myself.
I began as a student of Bisci 003 in the fall of 2011, the course was interesting and encouraged critical thinking and questioning. I began to speak the questions and doubts that had been creeping into my mind about my purpose. It was scary to put a voice to my fears, yet empowering to get them out of my mind. The course seemed to fly by and at the end of it I knew I was not done learning about myself. So I decided to become a TA for the course. I took a class in the spring of 2012 where I, along with 25 other future TA’s, went through a training class on how to TA next falls students. This is where things started to got real. My biggest question of how my relationship with Jesus fits into my life as a Penn State student came rushing to the surface. The spring semester was uncomfortable, I began questioning if Christianity was legit and found myself very afraid of the thought of other religions. What a shock this was to me and a humble blow to my ego. I had this image of myself, a loving Christ follower, open and accepting of all! NOT! I became so afraid of other religions, anger was all I could fall back on without having a total melt down. I left the spring semester thinking, again, that I had made the wrong decision in continuing my education.
I spent the summer reflecting on what had happened, and why I was so afraid and angry, I began to distance myself from this loving relationship with God I had known through Jesus. By the end of the summer, after a series of events, I had realized that Jesus is so legit, and a life without him in the middle of it is a life full of loneliness. I realized my fears came from the uncertainty of vulnerability, I wanted to have all the answers and be able to defend my faith intelligently with full proof that I am following the one true God. When the answer was I don’t have all the answers and I don’t have proof for anyone other than my faith and personal testimony, I was distraught.
I am so thankful for the struggle of questioning Jesus and myself, had I not gone through the doubts and sat with my fears and angers, I would not have the unshakable faith I now have in Jesus. I still want to have an incredible story that people are going to read and say “wow! Jesus is real!” the difference now is I know that if people see Jesus as I do or not, I will always see Jesus as a glorious loving God who continues to meet me when I am at my lowest and highest points and will love me despite my fear, anger and doubts.
Without my four years at Penn State, I would not have realized my doubts much less been able to put a voice to them. I would not have been able to have conversations with the most educated people I know about faith in Jesus, I would not have the desire to become a life long learner.
As I embrace my fears and speak of my doubts I become more filled with life and my eyes become more open to the incredible beauty and faithfulness of God. I wish I had more eloquent words or a more detailed story of just how much God loves me and how he used a Sociology Bachelor of Arts Degree to reveal more of himself to me, but for now this is the best I’ve got.
Here is me and my Grandpa on my graduation day. Love you Grandpa!!
