Something God has been asking me to do for a long time is share my full testimony here on my blog. To say I’ve been procrastinating that is an understatement, but here I am, finally sharing the dirty and gloriousness of my love story with the Father. I understand some of these things might take some of you by surprise, I’m praying that Holy Spirit speaks to you all.
All my love, Alexus.
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I was born the year of 1998 to a teenage mother and father. My parents were high school sweethearts and a couple years later they were engaged and expecting baby number two. During this time my dad became verbally and physically abusive towards my mom. Long story short, they split and it was just me and my mom for a bit. Fast forward a couple years my mom is now engaged to my step dad, Marty and they are expecting my baby brother. Together they raised us in the best home, we didn’t have a lot but they taught us how to work hard for what we want, to dream big, to love & serve people well and find success in things we love. I can’t imagine better parents.
We never went to church, it just wasn’t our thing. We didn’t really talk about beliefs or theology, but I remember my parents always saying that if I wanted to go to church, that was my choice & they would never stand in my way. They were always very open to us choosing whatever path we thought was right for us. When I was 7 my granny took me to church for the first time, I immediately loved it. The other girls liked pretty dresses just like me and the Sunday school teachers weren’t strict or mean, they made me feel included too. This church soon became my home away from home, it was my safe place for 11 years. When I was 14 I went on my first mission trip with my youth group, during this trip the Lord wrecked me for the first time. It was our last night and we had worship a little early, all I remember is me realizing how much I love serving people, and how much Jesus loves serving me. That God really does want to be my friend, and I had to surrender. I fell to my knees in complete humility, realizing that I NEEDED something more than just myself. The best day.
Ninth grade year, I’m finding out what it means to walk with the Lord and walk out of old habits. I’m dropping friends that just werent good for me in my new found lifestyle and I’m connecting with my youth group more. I still have about 4 close school friends and I hang out with them as much as possible, they were my comfort in the midst of all the change. My sophomore year I was really struggling with health, grades and relationships. At the end of my freshman year I was diagnosed with scoliosis that left me almost unable to walk for months and put me in physical therapy for a year. I had to quit marching band and when I started my sophomore year I didn’t have that constant community anymore. Half way through the year I decided to be homeschooled, hoping I would improve my grades this way. I’m still not sure the cause, but during this time I developed anxiety and depression. I struggled in silence, telling myself I was fine, until one night my thoughts got so out of hand that I knew I needed to tell someone. I finally told my parents and got put on medication, seeing my doctor every week for counseling as well. While walking through this I explored ways to help me not feel so numb, some healthy and some not. I turned to pornography. This worsened the depression and quickly became a vicious cycle that seemed like one I could never get out of.
When I was 17 I met a guy online named Alex, we easily became friends. He loved Jesus, he could hold a conversation, and we had a lot in common, great! After two months of being friends we expressed that we liked each other and should start talking. During this time I learned that he was 28, had already been divorced, and lived in Denmark. **All the red flags, I understand that now.** I began to get nervous, but every time I brought up my anxiety about us he would persuade me that it was okay, that he cared about me and that I was someone worth the risk. Growing up, I felt like I was never worth a mans time because I wasn’t worth my dads. Alex knew how to talk me into thinking that all of this was okay. After 3 months of talking, 5 months knowing him in total, my youth minister found out about us. He asked me to end it for my own safety but I was convinced that Alex was different, that he was who he said he was. My youth minister had another talk with me about it a couple weeks later, truly concerned for my safety and my mental health, at this point Alex was very controlling. Telling me I need to act and look a certain way to make him happy, that I was supposed to. I knew it wasn’t right. I called him again that night, saying I was sorry and that I couldn’t continue whatever we had going on. I deleted the app we video chatted on right away and never looked to see if he tried to contact me again.
The hurt I felt was deep. I wasn’t enough for my dad growing up. I wasn’t enough for Alex, that’s why he wanted to change me. And I wasn’t going to be enough for anyone else because of the sin I had wrapped myself in. I was at an all time low…but praise God that He is redeeming.
I was finishing up my depression medicine, my anxiety lingered but I had it under control at this point. I sought council for all the things I was carrying, truly believing that God would bring healing to all these things. When I was 18 I went to Guatemala for the first time for a month. I found community and joy, I saw God in a whole new light and I was in love with Him! God asked me to leave the church I grew up in and go to a church the would grow me, stretch me so I would be ready for something bigger.
I realize now that he was also seeing if I would be willing to be obedient in the small hard things.
A year later I was having quiet time and God told me to go on the World Race. I said no. Classic. I fought Him on this for 5 months, fasting for days at a time, trying to figure out why I had to leave my family for a year and travel all over the world. Why couldn’t I just go to one country for a few months? God, what a tricky guy, finally broke me down and revealed to me that it would be worth it. Once the routes were released October of 2017 I found the route that had all the countries I wanted to go to on it, sucked up my pride and applied. Within 3 weeks I interviewed, got accepted and paid my deposit. I was terrified and didn’t tell anyone for about two months. Again, classic.
Training camp for the Race comes around that next July and I realize I’m super jacked up, awesome! I’m carrying around insecurity, I’m a huge people pleaser, I believe all the lies that I’m not worth anything and that the Race will do nothing for me. By this time I had worked through the sin and the guilt from that, I hadn’t struggled with it in two years, but I saw all the damage that it did to my opinion of myself and how I view the Father.. I saw all this, didn’t want to deal with it (classic enneagram 9 das me) so I suppressed it and lived the next month like normal.
Guatemala, the first three months of the WR, wrecked me, it wrecked ALLLLLL that big time. Asia has been me learning to walk in freedom, to choose into the hard and gritty instead of the easier route of putting shackles back on and that’s been harder than I ever thought possible.
I’ve seen Gods redemption over and over again. Choosing Him, choosing who I’m supposed to be, choosing freedom, it takes work. Everything worth having in life doesn’t come free or easily, I stand by that. This journey I’m on has taught me who I am, has revealed the worst parts of me but has called me higher.
This is me. This is my story.
This is His story.
Praise God.
