Greetings from the Philippines!
As I begin this new chapter in my life, I wanted to let you all in on why I am doing this. I wanted to help you understand why squad leading is a part of my journey. There is actually very long story behind it all and I wanted to share a piece of it. At least, the parts that have shaped how I have gotten here.
I first felt the call on my race to squad lead around month 7 or 8. I applied on my race, interviewed twice and it was until after I got home that I finally had received an answer. I had been rejected. I was devastated, angry even. Which in turn became bitterness. I would then attend CGA(begrudgingly and reluctantly) for 8 months learning about what it means to be a leader. A more accurate description would be what it means to serve others. I didn’t want to be there. Because I had been a team leader on my Race I thought that I already knew everything I needed to know. I just wanted to get through it and squad lead. That’s what was going to get me to praise and affirmation I wanted. If I did this thing then I would be somebody. I would be valued and loved, I would have purpose and meaning. If I didn’t then I would be nothing.
It’s a sad thought. That I believed that I would be of no use to anyone. Funny thing is, if I believed that I was no good without this title what would make me believe that I would be any good with it? The short answer is pride. I was so incredibly insecure in who I was that I used my Pride to cover up the shame that I felt about myself. It was something for me to hold onto and hide behind. A mask that covered my deep emotional wounds that needed healing. I learned so much during CGA but the one thing that kept getting the way was my Pride. I applied to squad lead a second time after CGA was over but this time…I didn’t get an interview…not even an email saying i wouldn’t be getting an interview. just nothing. Pride reared it’s ugly head again and I continued to hold onto my Pride for months after that.
Last Fall, I went to see the most recent Spider-Man movie. I remember the moment very vividly. I was actually in a theater watching the most recent spider-man movie and there was scene where Spider-man(Peter Parker) had failed to rescue a ferry full of people and was bailed out by Iron-man(Tony Stark). For context, Peter had just gotten a new suit with all kinds of fancy gadgets and technology that would help fight crime very proficiently and had recently been in a fight involving many famous Hero’s. Needless to say Peter was feeling pretty confident and wanted to do more and believed that he could because of his suit. Tony, Peter’s unofficial mentor at this point, confronted Peter and lectured him about counting the cost of being a “hero.” That if those people had died their blood would have been Peter’s hands and if Peter had died peter’s blood would have been on Tony’s hands. Tony also stated that what Peter did was reckless and that he shouldn’t have attempted to rescue the ferry alone. At the end of the dialogue, in frustration and in an attempt to teach Peter a lesson, Tony told Peter that he was taking back the suit that he had given him. Peter responded with “Mr. Stark you can’t! I’m nothing without that suit.” Tony then responded with “If you’re nothing without the suit then you don’t deserve it.” It was in that moment that Papa convicted me that that is what I believed about squad leading. That I was nothing without it. So, I decided that I needed to let go of this desire and put it in Papa’s hands so that he could with it what He wanted. I finally let go of my pride and submitted to the process.
From then on, Papa began to change my heart. I spent time discovering my true identity as a Son of God. Learning to love myself as I am and how to let Papa’s love be everything to me. He gave me opportunities to cultivate my gifts and invest in my passion for worship. I learned to love and serve others in small ways not because people were watching but because I wanted to whether people were watching or not. To be honest, it was difficult…really difficult. I had to change the way I think. I had to constantly ask myself if what I was doing was an attempt to be seen and validated or if I genuinely wanted to serve. It was a slow process that required a lot of discipline. Mistakes were certainly made but in the end those failures helped me grow more than any success.
Then, last spring, I had reached an impasse. I had been in the application process to go to Hillsong College in Australia(squad leading wasn’t even on my radar at this point) but something was wrong. I had reached the point where all I needed to do was raise the funds to go but I had no peace about it. Something in me just felt like it wasn’t right. So I wrestled with it. I prayed and prayed and prayed until one day Papa asked me point blank “What do you want?” and without any hesitation at all I answered “squad leading” among a few other things. I was sort of dumbfounded. I thought for sure that desire had died. But here it was…alive and well. “So what now?” I asked. No response. I then asked Papa that if He wanted me to do this then it had to be abundantly clear. Soon after, I was asked if I would lead a trip to Peru for the Ambassador program. A middle/high school program through Adventures In Missions. Papa gave me very firm, almost stern yes, and for two weeks I lead a group of high school students into the Peruvian rain forest. It was after that trip that it was settled. I was going to squad lead. I enjoyed my time with those kids so much. Just being able to connect and live life with them was so fulfilling and rewarding. Seeing them step out in faith and seeing so much growth in such a short amount of time had me feeling like a proud father. In short, I applied after I returned home, two weeks later I interviewed, and about two weeks after that I was accepted….and Here we are! I has a been a humbling journey and one that only Papa could have weaved together. Looking back, this season of squad leading is actually a fulfilled promise even though at the time I had no idea that it was a promise. Papa thank you for being a Father who so faithful to us and who loves us so much!
That’s my story(most of it anyway!). That was a bit wordy but I hope that gives a little context on how this new adventure came to be. Now that we are caught up on life I can go back to posting about what Papa is up too! Which seems to be something a bit different everyday as of late. It might be tough to nail it down to one thing!
Thank you so much for reading!
Peace and many Blessings
Alex
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Update: I am fundraising again for my time on the field and once again I need your help!!! I am in need of $6500 for my time as a squad leader. This will cover 5 months on the field including travel, food, lodging, and any visas I may need. This also includes plane tickets for flights to meet my squad for two different debriefs once I have returned home. Please consider partnering with me in this new chapter of life! I’m looking for one time donations and/or Monthly donors to meet my goal. If you feel lead to donate you can do so by clicking HERE! Or at the top left side of the page!
