Hey everyone! Just wanted to take a moment and be vul erable with you all for a moment about how this month has been for me.
Lesotho has been a challenging month. It all started off by getting REALLY sick for a couple days. Still not sure how or why but I was down for the count. It has been a dramatic change for for myself and the squad, in that, we have been very blessed to have had access to WiFi and many amenities in Asia. We were quite comfortable. But that just hasn’t been the case here in Africa. I had heard stories from other racers about life in Africa and just about everything they said has been true. It’s a completely different world here. Things that I am so used to having at my fingertips simply aren’t anymore. Food and water is not abundant, air-conditioning is as crude as a windy day, WiFi has to be bought in predetermined amounts, hot showers are made with a fire heating the pipes, our toilets are holes in the ground. I say none of this with any kind of contempt or bitterness. It’s just different than what I am used to(in every way possible). Even on my first race I was pretty comfortable in any of the worst conditions I faced. But even so, physical living conditions have never been an issue and I am pretty confident they won’t be anytime soon, if ever. But what does concern me is my mental and spiritual well being.
Again, I’m not implying that anything is wrong nor am I in any kind of harm’s way. Just that I seem to have hit a wall. In a way that only Wile E. Coyote could really understand. It has been four months of continuel discipleship. Four months pouring out into 37 people on the other side of the planet. Laughing, crying, loving, learning, and growth with them. On paper, that kind of experience sounds like a dream(and it is!) But in the middle of all now that I’m actually living it, I find myself wondering if I can even do this at all. “Do I have what it takes?” “Did I ever?” “ What am I even doing here?” I felt like I was slowly being crushed under the weight of the season Papa has called me into. The fire that burned so bright was slowly fading and in danger of being snuffed out.
When think back on the lessons and experiences that I have learned from over the last few years since I left on the race in 2015, I remember that this place that I am in is nothing new. I have been here before. It’s part of a cycle I learned from reading Kingdom Journeys by Seth Barnes. The cycle of abandonment, brokenness, and dependence. I abandoned everything I know in love for the sake of obedience to God in bringing his kingdom to earth and in that pursuit I find the end of myself. The end of my own strength and become broken, no longer able to continue my journey under my own power. In this brokenness God meets me and carries me the rest of the way and brings to a place of complete dependence on Him. Right now I am in that place of brokenness.
I have been through this cycle a few times already and each time my faith strengthened and I find a deeper level of dependence on God. It just continues over and over and over again. Again, on paper this process sounds great. Who doesn’t want to depend on God more? I don’t know anyone who doesn’t! We always want it and we are always searching for ways to reach it but it’s one of those process that prompts me to say “be careful what you wish for.” Dependence will always require brokenness. If we aren’t broken there is no need for dependence.
So here I am. Broken. Feeling tired, like I have nothing left to give. All My strength has been exhausted. I’m thinking of the comforts of home and I am so tempted to check out. Trying to feed myself anything that I think will sustain me. I can sense myself trying to survive rather than thrive. No matter how many times I have been here it never gets any easier because I get broken in a different way. It always feels like my flame is going to burn out.
This is actually not the first time that this “flame” analogy has been significant in my life. I started a blog almost 2 years ago that I never finished. It was just a quick description of a moment I had with Papa when he spoke something pretty profound even though, at the time, I had no idea how significant it was. I want to end this blog with what I wrote and hopefully it will be as encouraging to you as it was to me when I found it.
“I’m not sure why but while I was praying and worshiping I picked up a lighter that happened to be laying on the floor and lit it. As I was looking at the flame I heard Papa say “This is your flame, it may flicker and it may dwindle, but it will never go out.” That was my mantra all day. “My flame may flicker and It may dwindle, but it will never go out.”
As I prayed and meditated on it at work my thoughts moved from “my flame will never go out” to asking “why won’t my flame ever go out?” “What keeps it burning?” As it turns out, it’s not “what” keeps it burning but “who.” I was then reminded of the temple where Papa dwelt with the Israelites. The fire was always burning on the altar never to be put out. It was a symbol of Papa’s constant presence and a reminder that He alone has the power to save. That same fire that burned in the temple is that same fire that burns inside each and every one of us.
When Christ died on the cross it was like He laid Himself on the altar in the temple of the old testament to be burned as a sacrifice forever. Christ is constantly feeding the fire in us that is ushering in Papa’s very presence. To put it another way, the sacrifice of Christ lights a fire that burns bright in us and consumes us so that we may be living sacrifices and engage in relationship with Papa.
This is my flame. It may flicker and dwindle, but it will never go out.”
Papa lights a fire in each and every one of us. An eternal flame to guides us, strengthens us, and burns constantly. Even in our greatest seasons of brokenness that fire never goes out as a sign of His presence and faithfulness.
Peace and many blessings,
Alex
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