Its been over a month since i returned from the World Race. it has been a whirlwind of seeing my friends and family for the first time in a long time, going on a vacation with my family, and heading to Project Search Light. All the while trying to figure out what the Lord wanted me to do next. It was difficult. I spent most of that time waiting. being patient on the Lord.
I should be used to it by now. Most the Race(and my life in General) has been spent waiting for the Lord to move. Waiting for things to happen. But for the last few months of my race i wasn’t patient. i was anxious and annoyed that everything was taking so long. You see, i had applied for Squad leading in month 9(Vietnam) of my race. It had been on my heart since Mongolia (month 2). I finally felt like I had confirmation from the lord in Cambodia (month 8) that squad leading was the next step.
A very long story short, I waited around for two months before I finally heard anything about having an interview for squad leading. Our last month on the race i had two interviews with in days of each other. The first i felt went great. The second, not so much. Then it wasn’t until a month after that when I was on vacation with my family that I finally got my answer. Months of build up and anticipation; conversations with squad mates affirming me in what I had felt from the Lord was true and that i would be accepted; The nod from my squad mentor to follow through and apply. I had all my eggs in this basket and it finally came to a head. “I don’t think you’re quite ready yet.” I was devastated(to be completely honest “I don’t think you’re quite ready yet” was as good as a hard “No” to me in that moment). I lost it. I ran down to the water outside our hotel and I started Crying and demanding to why this happened. “Why did you tell me to do this if you knew that it wasn’t going to work out anyway?” “Why would every one on my squad affirm me in this if they didn’t really think it would happen?” Why would i have told to go ahead and apply just to be told “not yet?” It makes no sense to me( I’m getting a little worked about it as I type this…may be i haven’t worked through it as much as i thought). I was angry. I was bitter. If I’m completely honest I felt like washing my hands of this A.I.M. and go and….I had no idea what I was going to do( just about anything sounded good). But in that moment I heard the lord say something to me. In the middle of all this anger, frustration and confusion I heard “I had to show that you weren’t ready. You say you want to help people. you say you want to equip them and lead them. But you aren’t equipped to do that. I have to Equip you.” In that moment the Lord made it clear. That there is still work to be done in me. But I had no idea what that was or where that work would be done.
ill tell you about that in my next blog.
