Something that has left me absolutely amazed lately is the fierceness of our father’s love. It flows constantly, never changing and always moving. This month we have the opportunity to serve in Pacasmayo, Peru; a port town directly off the cost of the pacific ocean. Through the Ocean and nature around us the Lord has been speaking more about himself. As I sit on the rocks looking out at the expanse of this never ending sea of blue and green the Lord begins to wisper to me, ” Lexi, you are so loved. You are those waves? They flow constantly. The power and rush of them never ceases, and it goes on immensly. Crashing over and over, I will never let you go.”
Walking to the beach one night the Lord began to remind me of one of my favorite things- the stars. As I walked down the street I thanked the Lord for the majesty of the stars. Even on the nights when it’s cloudy and I can’t see them, I know they are always there. Just like the Lord’s love. He is constantly shining down on me, even when I can’t feel it.
Last month I experienced a season with the Lord I never wanted. I asked for a better understanding of His love, I asked that he show me his presence more fully, and instead I went through a month of not feeling Him, period. At first I was confused… I didn’t understand why He wasn’t growing me in what I had asked for. That confusion turned into frustration, which turned into Lexi trying to fix her problems on her own… cause that always works out, right? After I tried to somehow “fix” what wasn’t actually broken, I realized there was nothing I could do. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do anything for Him to show up.. so I did all I could do- cry out to the Lord. I spent more afternoons after ministry crying and listening to worship music than I can count. I simply couldn’t wrap my mind around why He felt so distant. But one day I woke up and realized I needed to make my “yes” to the Lord and my community a bolder one. We are past the half-way point in the race, and I’m tired. The newness has worn off, and every single day is a new commitment to the Lord that I am willing to do His work…that I am willing to go outside of myself and take ownership of my ministry and journey.
One night my team was having church and I worshiped the Lord with all that I had, even though my heart ached so much for His warmth. Suddenly, I felt His presence more fully than I had in a long time. It was like someone turned on a switch inside of me, and I felt my heart expand with His warmth and love and peace and of course, I sobbed. In that moment He began to speak again, and He said, “ Lexi, I never left you. I have been here this whole time. But I needed you to see that I don’t want anything from you except to be still with me. I want you to rest in my presence and not always try so hard. Just be with me.”
It was then that I realized that it’s in the valleys where we grow. It’s when we have nothing left to give, and all hope seems lost where we can truly turn to the Lord and rely fully on Him. Because the truth is the Lord is never going to change, His love flows more constantly than even the Ocea, and the rising and setting of the sun each day. We just have to sit, be still and pursue the Lord even in the midst of winter. Because it’s ” in our great sorrow, we learn what Joy means”.
(Quote from: sleeping at last)
