Hello my friends.
I have been home from leading in Guatemala for a little over a month already, and I simply can’t fathom how the time has flown by so fast. The first couple days home didn’t even feel real. I’ve been going at a pretty fast pace the last 2 ½ years and all of a sudden I was back at home in a familiar place that didn’t seem to feel familiar anymore. When the Lord told me to move back home I didn’t understand why. I have come to absolutely love living in Georgia and the community I formed there is one I cherish deeply. My church there is more than a house of worship- it is a family that breaks bread together and enjoys lifting one another up. I was able to live with some of my best friends, explore Atlanta on the weekends and be only a half-hour drive from my favorite mountain hike. It was, well, easy. I wanted deeply to move back to my people after Guatemala but I knew deep down that the Lord was directing elsewhere. He said to me, “Lexi- This next season isn’t what you think it’s going to look like. I have better things for you. This next season is a season of preparation, of tilling the soil and letting it rest from bearing fruit. Intentional rest and fighting for the secret place with me. Following me is going to cost you everything, and in losing everything you will gain everything.” I cried, grieved and gave my obedient yes. In a one week span I said goodbye to over 100 people I know and love deeply, packed up my car with all of my belongings and drove the 16 hours back to Wisconsin. Don’t get me wrong- I haven’t been completely pulled to the south now, I still love cheese and the packers and some of my dear friends and supporters reside here in the great white north. It’s just that the change and transition seemed more than I could handle at the moment.
One of my friends in Guate spoke over my next season before we headed back to the states. He told me, “The Father is going to challenge you in this next season and you may feel lonely but that isn’t what He is giving to you. He is calling you into a season of the secret place with Him. It’s not about living from season to season, it’s about your purpose and as you seek the Father He will reveal more of that purpose and glory to you”. In the last three weeks I have sought His face more than I ever have before. ( I don’t have much to do during the day which give lots of opportunities to sit with the Lord over a cup of coffee or a brisk walk outside. The cost in this season is my past community and reputation. Living back at home with my parents and not working a full-time job isn’t what women my age do. That’s costing me a lot. I don’t have a degree or a large savings account, but you know what I do have? The Father. I have the peace of Holy Spirit and all the time in the world to abide and wrestle in Him. The Father has given me the opportunity of a season of little to no distraction, as He woos me deeper and deeper into His heart. As I was gearing up for leaving Guatemala a dear friend and I chatted about a similar season she went through years back. She said, “ It is a privilege to get to have that season with the Father. It was one of the most challenging times but it shaped me into who I am today. Press in deep to His presence and I promise He will meet you there”. Every moment I lay aside the tasks I am doing and go to Him- He meets me there. He is teaching me how to abide… how to breathe again.
One of my mentors said it this way- “ If you think of the life of a tadpole, all it knows how to do is live and breathe and swim underwater. That is its experience. But when it is transformed into a frog, it is taken out of the water onto land. It learns how to breathe without the water and how to jump and reside above the water. Afterwards, it can still return to the water at any time, but it has to learn how to life underwater as a frog now. It will never go back to being just a tadpole, it is forever transformed. Now it has to learn how to breathe again, in a place that used to be the most familiar, but maybe doesn’t feel that way anymore”.
So that is a little bit of my process. It hasn’t been easy. I cry a lot and I get on my knees even more. I feel lonely a lot of the time, but the overshadowing peace that Holy Spirit provides shows me time and time again that I am never alone. I feel like I’m living Romans 12:12, “ Rejoice in hope, patient in tribulation, and be constant in prayer”. Choose to rejoice at the hope that we have! Be patient in the seasons that feel bare and exempt of fruit and harvest. Seek the Father’s face in the secret place. Thanks God that regardless of our perspective and what we can physically see, you are always better. You always provide and meet us right where we are at. You always give us joy and new mercies every morning in the form of beautiful color-painted skies. It is a privilege to count the cost, lay it all aside and journey with you.
I am not sure how long I will be staying, but I am here for now
and with that, I am content and at peace.
