I’m a perfectionist.
This is something I would have denied even last year, but as I examine how I live my life, It has become very obvious to me.
If a picture frame is crooked, I have to fix it.
If the strings on my hoodie aren’t the same length, it stresses me out.
When I’m drawing and it doesn’t turn out the way I wanted it too, I get frustrated.
I strive for perfection even though we live in an imperfect world.
Christmas eve was the hardest night of my race thus far. I felt angry, and I didnt really know why. I had all of this pent up energy, threatening to come out… but I tried to stuff it. Because in my brain if I let myself get angry, I would lose control and it would be a BIG mess… one of my least favorite things.
But that night the Lord let me get messy… and as I sat with two of my teammates I expressed everything I had been feeling.
I was tired… not just physically, but tired of the patterns I could see in my life. I was upset that I struggle with a cycle of abandonment with friends. I was mad that people always leave. That I was bullied when I was growing up. I was sad that I couldn’t be with my parents for Christmas. That I strive for perfection…. down to the fact that sin is in this world, and no matter what we do, we will always struggle with it. Because its a part of our humanity….and the list continued for about an hour as I sobbed and let myself feel those feelings.
When I had finished I told my teammates thank you for listening, and went to take a shower. During it I prayed and asked the Lord how we could fix this…because to me, I felt like I was a wreck…. which is FAR from the perfection I strived for.
and His answer shocked me.
He told me that we didnt need to fix anything. He told me that he was still proud of me, still loved me, and by expressing those emotions I actually grew my intimacy with Him. Because He wants all of our mess. He already knew that I was feeling all of those things… but I had put up a wall in between myself and the Lord, pretending that I was okay…even though it was OBVIOUS that I wasn’t. You see, I tend to perform for others. But not just for the people around me, but also myself, and the Lord. I walk around pretending I’m fine until I break… and all the emotions come out. But the Lord wants me to be open with my emotions. To feel all the things in the moment and be honest with Him where I’m at.
So I am trying to embrace imperfection. To choose to accept that we live in a broken world, and all the Lord wants is my best. He wants everything I have to give, even though it is far from perfect.
Because He doesn’t call us to be perfect.
He calls us to be His children.
To love.
To be patient, to trust in Him, and to live out of overflow of His Holy Spirit.
So yeah, I’m a mess.
But I’m still worthy.
I’m still beautiful.
I’m still a daughter of the King… and He still loves me and is still proud of me.
and he believes the same things about you.
