Debrief. A time to rest, process and reflect on the past month of ministry. The last time the squad is together as a whole before breaking off into teams and traveling to the next country, and the opportunity to go out and explore. It was a sweet time with the squadmates, and much needed time to process through some things I have been struggling with the past month.
First of all, vulnerability is a new concept to me, especially over social media… but its something my leaders and the Lord is encouraging to do, so here goes.
Since leaving for the world race, I have struggled a bit with fomo, and also just overthinking situations and letting my emotions get the best of me. Talking with a few of the leaders, we tried to find the root of the problem- low self worth. Growing up this was never something I struggled with… or so I thought. My pride has been telling me for years that the overthinking and fomo was just normal, and that self-worth was a struggle for others, but not for me. But since then I’ve realized that I put affirmation from others up on a pedistal, and I let how others think of me effect my emotions and actions.
Once I identified this, looking back over the last 10 years I realized that this isn’t a new thing… its something that has been affecting me since middle school! But throughout the years I continued to ignore the issue and push it below the surface… just to have it resurface again and again with more force every time.
I D E N T I T Y
I know I have talked about this a little bit before, but that is the root of my low self worth. It kills my pride to admit it, but I put way to much of my identity in others, when it should be focused 100% on Christ and His love and how He sees me.
One day this past week emotionally just WRECKED me. We started with morning session led by my squad mentor. She asked us to get out a piece of paper, and write down something that was holding us back.. something we wanted to leave behind in Romania and completely give up to the Lord. Once we wrote it down, we stood in front of the squad and proclaimed what we were leaving behind, and then burned it. Instantly, the Lord brought up this “low-self worth” to my mind, and I felt my heartrate begin to rise. “I can’t stand in front of my whole squad and tell them I have low self worth”, my mind told me. But as my hands were shaking I felt my feet carry me towards the front of the room. As I set that piece of paper on fire, I felt the weight I have been carrying for longer than I can remember begin to lighten a bit..and the thing that stood out to me the most was how most of the squad wanted to leave behind similar things. Comparison. Low-self worth. Fear. Control. Regret. Past defining the future… and the list went on. Huh, I’m not the only one who struggles with this! Who would have thought? 😉
And even though I have identified the heart of the issue, that doesn’t mean the struggle is over. One of my Squad leaders shared a qoute with me from Theodore Rosevelt called The Man In The Arena. This talks about how you can’t compare your struggle or journey to others struggles and journey’s. The credit isnt given to whoever looks like they are the least un-scathed in life… it is due to the person actually in the arena, and who is fighting for his life, and who gives everything he has. Sometimes it is going to look and feel like I am fighting alone, but in reality, God is going to be there with me giving me the tools I need to accomplish the goal. My friends, family, and squadmates will also be there in the audience, cheering me on and ecouraging me to get back up after I fall.
Everything in life is a process, and I could be wrestling with this for the rest of my life. But I know that I have the Lord on my side, and I have people fighting for me. So I am leaving behind the way I see myself, fomo, and worrying about how others view me.
I am going to focus on who God says I am:
Creative, loved, beautiful, a masterpiece, priceless, treasure, precious, chosen, and His daughter. Because after all, that’s where my identity is truly found.
