It’s been one of those nights again. . .
One of those nights where it is 3:00 in the morning and I’m laying in bed, listening to the wind howl outside, echoing the loud thoughts that are tumbling through my mind.
On these nights, I don’t fall asleep till dawn is soon to break, where I can’t get my mind off a race track, where I share with God a scattered list of praises and requests, where I am kept company in bed by all my hopes and dreams, doubts and fears, past, present, and future… This has been happening almost every night for the past week. And then I don’t wake up till late into the next day exhausted, and void of motivation to move forward. I feel frozen almost, wondering what will be the trigger moment causing me to melt and leap into action again.
It’s in the middle of the night when no one but God is listening in on my thoughts, that I think about dying. Death has been an inherent part of my life since I was young. I am familiar with death, I know its face, the different forms it takes, the way it feels. I am not afraid of dying and going to be with my Creator, my sister Michelle, my Grandma and Grandpa, and my other loved ones that are already in Heaven. Most days, actually, I look forward to leaving this world for eternity.
What I am afraid of, is what I leave behind.
Since I was accepted to go on the World Race, the thought will cross my mind, “If I die while on the World Race….” and then I will finish that sentence with various questions: Will I leave this world with a legacy? Will I have impacted people’s lives, changed them for the better? Will people know how much I loved them? Will I leave all of my relationships, with nothing left unsaid or done? Will people know who I really was? Will I have lived fully with a heart for God and others? Will people remember me as a daughter of God, a sister in Christ, a woman with a heart for Jesus, a servant of the Lord?
So while some people may think it’s morbid that I lay awake at night, pondering my death and writing letters in my head to my family, my friends, my loved ones – making mental notes of all the important things I may have not told them often enough or ever before, (because I’ve been scared, afraid of how they might respond, afraid to be bold, to be honest, or because I’ve simply taken for granted that I’ll have a chance to tell them or show them in the future) – I believe God is laying a big smack-a-roo on my heart, nudging me to respond to the question, “Am I living the abundant life that God desires for me; when He calls me home, will I have been a good and faithful servant, a witness of God’s love to others? *Scriptural references: John 10:10, Matthew 25:21, & 1 Corinthians 16:14
Right now, I can’t wholeheartedly respond, “YES LORD!”… I have sin on my plate that I haven’t dealt with; I have relationships in need of mending; I have people in my life that I’ve withheld love from; I have selfish desires that need squashed; I have people in my life who I’ve been afraid to share my faith with. I haven’t been true to who God created me to be.
God can call any one of us home in a blink of an eye, anywhere, anytime, with anyone. So ask yourself, are you ready? Have you lived an abundant life; have you lived as a witness to Christ, shining as a light of God’s love?
YOU ARE STILL ALIVE ‘CAUSE GOD IS NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!! Our lives are a gift from God, go forth and live abundantly. Open up your heart. Let Him in. Encounter the love and grace of Christ and let the Holy Spirit change you. It will change your life, and it will change the lives of others.
