It’s hard to put into words how exactly I’m feeling right now. This morning I left the place I called home and the people I called family for the past two months and tomorrow I will leave Thailand all together, uncertain if I will ever return.
Thailand has been so good for me. Hard. Very Hard, but good. When I first arrived at the farm eight weeks ago, I wasn’t sure what God wanted to show or teach me during my time there. At first he taught be how selfish I was and how what He had for me was better than anything I had for myself. After learning that lesson, I figured God had taught me everything He needed to in Thailand, but boy was I wrong. God has continued to teach me a variety of things over the past two months and I wish I could share them all, but that would take such a long time, so for now I’m just going to share three of the things I’ve been learning here.
- I’m learning how much God wants to love me. I’ve grown up hearing how much God loves me, but knowing and believing are two different things. I’ve always had the idea that I had to work for God’s love and that I am not good enough for God’s love, but God is putting those thoughts to rest. You see, God is a good, good Father and a good father has children to love them, not to be served. And even though I’m really not good enough for God’s love, God doesn’t tell me that. He tells me, over and over again, that I am valued and perfect and nothing I do will make Him see me any less than that.
- I’m learning what it means to be still and sit in God’s presence. One thing that I have learned about myself is that, most of the time, I crave interaction with other people, so being at the farm with only 5 other people who speak English (and love their alone time) was rough for me at first, but I grew so much because of it. A couple of weeks ago I became very frustrated at the fact that I felt like I wasn’t hearing from God like I wanted to. Then I realized that I wasn’t hearing from Him because I wasn’t taking the time to listen. When I started to actual value my alone time and started to simply sit in His presence, everything changed. I talk so much to God, which is great, but if I’m taking all of the time, that leaves no space for Him to talk to me and hearing from God is a blessing like none other.
- I am learning who I am in Christ. I have realized the past 19 years of my life I have been letting everything, but God, define me. Who I was, was based on how many friends I had, how well I did in school, if I thought I guy liked me, and what was happening in my family, but being here and relying completely on God, I realize that when I’m not worrying about those things, I have no clue who I am. That’s a very humbling place to be in. Not knowing who you are, is tough, but God is showing me more everyday who I truly am in Him. I’d be lying if I said that I love the process of being completely striped of who I am (or thought I was), because I don’t. I would also be lying if I said that this process is easy, because it’s not. One thing I do know, though, is that what God is doing with me right now is going to be great with time to come. To be confident in knowing who I am in Christ is something I long for, and it’s something that God and I are working on daily!
Tomorrow I will hop on a bus for 13 hours and cross the border to Cambodia. I have no idea where exactly I will be in Cambodia or what ministry I will be working with, but I am unbelievably excited to get there and to see how God works there. I appreciate everyone who is praying for me back home in the states! Please continue to pray for my squad and I as we embark on this unforeseen adventure!
