This past month I have been living with my entire squad of 37 people, and my insecurities started to show. It has been like a sleepover on steroids having everyone under one roof! However, when you have 37 people running around to different ministry sites all over Quito, everything kind of gets crazy. I felt like I came in last, like no one saw me or cared. Little did I know that God was about to teach me something big. My biggest insecurities were brought up this month, and with full force. I felt like people don’t really like me, and that I am tolerated at best. I realized that I will say and do anything to gain approval from my squad mates, and when I don’t receive approval I start a downward spiral into self pity. This is where comparison creeps in.
Why don’t my squad mates love me like they love her?
Why am I not good enough to have what she has?
Why do people like her more?
What do they have that I don’t?
Then the scarier lies come in:
Your relationship with God will never be as good as everyone else’s.
God doesn’t love you like He loves them.
God will use them more than He will use me
You’re not good enough to be fully loved by God.
You’re the leftovers.
These thoughts even started to cause me to feel shame, because who likes to be around someone who thinks this way? I figured if I tried to ignore the lies long enough they’d go away. However, God knew I was going into all squad month and He had different plans. See, when I was with my team in Peru it was just the 6 of us, and I was getting just enough attention to stay afloat. With 37 people living in a house I started to feel invisible, forgotten, not heard, not seen, and not loved by my peers. So my insecurities were triggered and the lies began. I suddenly became very self aware of all these things and had no idea what to do with them. I felt like I was standing in a dark tunnel unable to see where to go next.
Then one day after a conversation with my squad mentor, it hit me when she mentioned that the last come first. It was so audible in my brain it stopped me in my tracks. “You come last to my people, but Sweet Alexis you’ll always be first for me.”
It clicked. I’m here to serve my teammates, squad mates, the brokenhearted, and every one else the Lord lays on my heart. There is no need to be worried about myself because I am taken care of. Can I say I am fully walking in freedom from these struggles? No. Tying the truths in your mind to the truths in your heart is the hard part. But I am no longer standing in a dark tunnel, I can finally see the light and where I need to go next.
I am last, and that is exactly where I am supposed to be.
