So I’ve been home for about 2 months now. Enough time to somewhat process everything that happened the last year of my life. Most of my blogs have been about what I was doing during my time overseas, but I would like to write one about the person I became.
Bear with me.
When the Lord called me on the World Race I had multiple people come up to me and say “you are going to come back a completely different person.” and I would always reply with “I sure do hope so.” Within my first month on the race the Lord revealed to me a whole lot of sin I was walking in that I was completely unaware of. For 3 years I had been wrestling with the Lord about my pride, and would beg Him to take away my desire for self-glorification. During the first 2 weeks on the race the Lord showed me that that pride stemmed from a lack of worth and trust in the Lord. I felt as though I was just not enough. Not enough for people or the Lord to love the real me. Having to constantly show my strength, always be joyful and pleasant, and never let anyone see any faults in me. Even though I truly felt weak, drained, insecure, and a little scared. Scared that if I didn’t keep up the act of the Alexis that I thought everyone wanted to be around, no one would actually want me. And then there were times where I felt like just too much. Too much for people to handle, but mostly for God to handle. I have too much sin, too much doubt, I’ve messed up too many times. The Lord can surely save anyone, anyone on the planet no matter their past… but not me. I am the exception for sure.
Identity issues.
I was asked one day if I were to take away something I hold as more precious to me than God (relationships) who would I be?
My answer? I had no clue.
Without the affirmation from people or even the lies of people, I was left clueless to who I really was. Whether good or bad, the words I and others have spoken over me were who I made my identity to be.
Along with prayer and fasting and digging into scripture, I begged the Lord to tell me who HE says I am. I cried out in desperation that this sin I was walking in would be broken and forgiven. I told the Lord of my desire to make HIM the only voice I hear. He told me that he sees me as:
His dear child – Ephesians 5:1
Reborn in Him – John 1:12
His masterpiece – Ephesians 2:10
His friend – John 15:12-17
Strong – Psalm 148:14
Worthy of death on the cross – John 3:16
He also spoke to me through one worship song that sings “now you’re making me like YOU. Clothing me in white. Bring beauty from ashes, for You will have your bride. Free of all her guilt, rid of all her shame, and known by her true name.”
I want my identity to be based off of the name the Lord calls me. And as hard as it is to be face-to-face with my own sin and selfishness, I am so thankful. Beth Moore wrote “He never convicts to condemn us. He wants to liberate us.” I know His purpose and plan is to clothe me in righteousness. I trust that He is good and able.
Another sin the Lord called out in me was my fear. I have grown up a paranoid, worried mess. I always pegged it as my personality. Sometimes it would get a laugh, how crazily ridiculous my thoughts and fears were. But that is NOT who the Lord created me to be. It is not “just who I am.” Who I am is a daughter of the Prince of Peace, a woman who should fear nothing but the Lord himself. When the Lord called me to go on World Race, I obviously had so many concerns and fears going into it. I was terrified of flying, terrorism, foreign diseases, etc. so naturally my biggest fear for this past year was that the Lord wouldn’t bring me back. Well, my biggest fear came to be. God didn’t bring me back, not the girl who left 9 months prior. He brought someone completely different. Someone known by a different name, her true name. Someone who looks just a little bit more like Him.
And then it was over. Coming home is different, difficult. I am terrified of falling back into old ways/habits. I know more about who the Lord sees me as and who HE is, but I also know that I will never really stop learning those things. Everyday on the race, no matter how difficult, boring, exhausting, exciting, or scary, I knew it was exactly where the Lord wanted me. I cannot even express how thankful I am to have had that experience. His plans are so much better than my own. And as I am home I pray that I will continue to hear the Lord’s clear voice. That I will keep reminding myself of the Truths in scripture daily. That I will have more moments of being face down on the floor in repentance and awe of who He is. Things at home are different. Life looks very different than it did 5 months ago. But my God? He never changed.
