“Don’t let uncertainty talk you into pursuing a back up plan instead of your purpose.” – Bob Goff, author of Love Does and Everybody Always
I have had a job since I was 16 and have made it a point to take care of business since then. I hated asking my parents for money so I did everything I could to make sure that wouldn’t happen. When I moved out I budgeted down to the very penny of the cost- including groceries, gas and “just in case” costs like broken appliances or flat tires. Matter of fact, I was just talking to my mom today about how important it is to me that I have things done, quickly, efficiently and that I double check everything just to make sure I am prepared. Before I left for the race I had literally packed double of everything, just in case I lost something or ran out. I had to have a back-up plan.
I did all this preparation only to be thrown into a life of uncertainty. This year has been full of it; whether it’s something small like determining what to get rid of or something big like what city the Lord has for us next. It’s quite scary to be living in a place of not knowing. I don’t know what I will be doing next month, let alone next week.
In all of this uncertainty, I have learned to hang on tight to the one thing I know to be true, the existence and the guidance of my heavenly father. In my current brokenness there are a lot of unknowns, especially when you look at my physical condition. I still have about 3 weeks of recovery without bending my back and carrying my pack. I do have to rest as much as I can and can’t be going on crazy hikes or 24 hour bus rides for a while. I will also have to wear my super fashionable back brace for, well, a good long while. Not being able to get up and go has been killing me!!!!
I have always taken care of me! I am usually the one giving not receiving, so being in a place where I have no choice but to ask for help has been rather difficult for me. However, I have an incredible team that stands supporting me, even in my weakness. They will be carrying my pack for me and have been crazy accommodating to my needs and frustrations.
After a serious amount of time in prayer, I have concluded that the Lord did not “Bring me this far just to bring me this far,” as my momma says. I was not fully funded just to go home early. The idea of going home now leaves me restless, as if I am ignoring the calling God has in my life. I cannot imagine going home, I would go home for just a few weeks to recover and doubt I would make my way back to the field.
With that being said, please note that I do love myself and would not continue on this journey if I were not absolutely sure that Lord is going before me. He will take care of all the petty stuff that we determine to be detrimental… He is a healing father after all. I just want to keep my eyes fixed on him and I do believe this is where I am supposed to be.
In short, I would rather walk in my own uncertainty and know I am pursuing the Lords vision for me, than to walk in certainty of self and veer from his direction.
I can’t thank you enough for your prayers and encouragements!
