The first time I remember being attracted to a boy was at the age of… well I was in 4th grade, you do the math. My first kiss was my freshman year of high school. I was 15 when I gave up my virginity to an unthankful boyfriend. I began drinking at the age of 16 and smoking shortly after. I have slept with a total of **** men, each causing small but noticeable damage to the core of who I am. My life seems like a mess doesn’t it!
What if I told you that during this time in my life, I was a Christian. That’s right! I full on believed in God. I went to church every Sunday, and I worshiped. It wasn’t a mask I put on, I truly enjoyed worshiping God! I also enjoyed getting drunk and making crazy choices on the weekend. If I had a dime for every time I showed up to church hungover… well, okay I’d probably only have a few cents but still. If you “know” God then you are probably already questioning my faith. Obviously, I didn’t actually love God during all of this, there’s no way. What if the question isn’t really my lack of love for God, but actually my lack of religion.
When I was growing up I went to a church that played a video every Sunday featuring a little girl saying “We can’t stand religion”. Clever, yet wrong. Let’s start with the mere definition of religion;
So if we can’t stand religion, why are we listed next to it in the dictionary. If we don’t call ourselves “Christians” how will we define ourselves to the world?! How will they know not to cuss in front of us, or not to buy us a drink? Maybe if we change the name to “Christ follower” or “Jesus lover”. I hate to say it, but I am pretty sure creating a name for a group of people that believe in the same thing is creating a religion or “denomination”, as we like to call it. What if we spent less time trying to define ourselves as a religion and more time loving and getting to know God? What if instead of defining ourselves with words we define ourselves with actions. What does loving God look like? No, don’t tell me…. Show me.
I know my ranting may seem a little confusing so I will help and paint of picture of what this looks like. When someone invites me to a crazy party, I simply say, “Thank you, that’s just not really my thing”. When someone offers me sex, I say “I’m honestly not interested”. Do you see a pattern here? I am not asking that you change your beliefs, forget the rules and go full fledge into a strung out drunken mess, no I am asking that you make it less about your religion and more about the love you share with Christ. I don’t do these things anymore because my love for God is enough for me, the other stuff is trivial and honestly, im just not that interested. Are you saying no because you have to or because you truly don’t want what is being offered?
A great example is the internet version of newly weds, gag me, right? Oh my goodness, every other picture on your social media is another picture of the new couple. They literally photograph every moment.. do they even have a life? They sit on the same side of the booth, they hold hands, make googly eyes at each other, share deserts, shower each other in love to the point that everyone around them just wants it to stop. They know it too, they want everyone else to see just how in love they are. They are “THE Couple” we all want to hold a relationship that is as passionate and perfect as theirs. You would think I am describing what your relationship with Christ should look like, but you would, again, be wrong.
Let me ask you this, where is the reality? Where is that gut-wrenching pain that comes after a big fight or the awkward intimacy after having your first child. Where is the betrayal or the insecurities? Are you telling me that these couples just don’t deal with those? Are they really that perfect? I’d say probably not. Bottom line, relationships have issues! Here are your options, you can live your life in a world where you believe your relationship with Christ is perfect; you can shout it to the mountaintops, broadcast it throughout the internet, and maybe even explain it at the homeless shelter or, and bare with me, you can be real, you can be honest. Crazy concept, but a good one. God’s love may be perfect, but ours isn’t. We fail time and time again. In the words of many counselors “The first step in overcoming addiction is admitting you have a problem” 
We have some serious issues but God picks us up and he loves us anyway, he is a devoted father.
When I look for a mentor in relationships, I am not looking for the perfect couple, I am seeking a relationship that looks like it has experienced some life. I am looking for the older couple holding hands at the hospital, the couple that has dealt with loss, or even just the struggle of raising kids. I need some real, tangible people to come along side me and help me with my issues.
What does all this mean? Well, it means that I want my relationship with Christ to look like these couples but even better (because with God, well, things are honestly just way more awesome).
Instead of grabbing a microphone and telling the world what they are missing out on, I think I’ll just ride the bus today and finally get to know the girl who always sits in front of me. I think I’ll laugh at Jerry’s jokes because I know it warms his heart. I will spend some time with my parents, carry the groceries for the mom with kids hanging on her sides.I have a feeling that God will nudge me when words are needed. Until he does, I think for now I will keep my mouth shut and start to open my arms.
Ephesians 4:25 “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”
Proverbs 17:27-28 “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”
Sorry ya’ll, my roommate, (you know who you are), encouraged me to overcome my fears and post it.. I mean “Fear nothing, Risk everything” is my motto after all!
I know this blog got a little real, but God has been dealing with me in our personal relationship. I am changing and growing constantly! I hope you enjoy my rawness in this blog, please don’t run away! 
