I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of unworthiness, at first I didn’t recognize the feeling but after a while it became evident. I began asking myself why I was going on this trip and why did I decide to do something so difficult and “out of my league” as some would say. I could have very easily went on a trip to Brazil this year or maybe even Guatemala for a few months and had my “missions fill”. I was greeted with words from a friend who confirmed my unworthiness, and actually criticized the trip all together. My friend disagreed with what I was doing and my reasoning behind it, even going as far as breaking down my letter and needing to know where all this money was going to. So there you go, it was confirmed that I was unworthy of such a trip and really the trip itself was just us grasping at straws, what could we really do in all these different places that would even make an impact?
Well, I have an answer for you. We, ourselves, can do very little maybe even nothing. However, we serve an unwavering, mountain moving, life altering father who will change everything if we choose to follow him first and our own goals second. I could sit here and break down every penny of what I am raising and why I am doing it or I could ask you to have faith that the money raised is being poured into ministry and pray that God would show you this and remove you of your doubts. This trip is not about me, it’s about taking the first of many steps into the purpose God has planned for me. It may seem crazy to everyone else and even to me sometimes but this it and I believe my heavenly father will lead me through it.
If I had to decide for myself I would say I AM UNWORTHY. I am unworthy of this trip, I am unworthy of the house I live in, the family I have, the steps I take and even the breath I breathe. I could even pose the question that maybe we are all unworthy. Thank goodness I am not the one to make the decision of my worthiness or yours. God makes that choice and he has chosen grace and mercy relentlessly in my life and in the lives of others. I had a pastor friend ask once, “Do you hear yourself breathing?” He would take in a deep breath and ask the congregation to do the same. “That is grace.” I think about that sometimes and it reminds me how thankful I am to serve the God I do. With each breath I take I am given the gift of Grace. I can’t answer whether you are living for God or not but I can guarantee he is giving you the grace you need to take the breath you just did.
To everyone who is supporting me through prayer and financially, thank you! I could not even consider going on a trip like this without each of you allowing God to move freely in your life, you’re faith does wonders for mine and helps me see the body of Christ we talk about so often.
To those who don’t understand or who have decided against supporting me, thank you! You have caused me to reexamine who I am and the decision I have made. You have caused me to dig deeper into my relationship with my heavenly father and have prepared me even more for the struggles I will face going forward.
You are all playing a significant role in the purpose I feel God has called me to and I am forever grateful for all of you! I will continue to pray and I hope that you will too!
