Dear Grandma (Jean),
It’s about a year since you have been gone and it seems like every day gets harder as it gets closer to the day you actually left us. I never really knew how much I would miss you because I always thought you would be here. I always knew that I could come home and go to your room and lay in the bed with you while you rub my head and kiss my hand and even tell me how much you love me, even though I already knew. I remember this time last year, it was getting closer to my birthday and you kept telling me that you wanted to get me something but money wasn’t looking good, but I kept thinking to myself “All I want is you”! I would always tell you that it was okay you didn’t have to do anything but you would always give me that look like “whatever, I’m going to do whatever I want to do”. Funny enough you would always find a ways to do something even if it was just a candy bar or $20 dollars. I remember always finding a way to give you back any money that you gave me; because I would rather you have than me.
The fall was always your favorite time of year because it was holiday season. You always started buying your food and gifts months and weeks ahead of time, so you wouldn’t be in the store with all the “Crazy People” as you would always say. Thanksgiving came and went last year and I remember being so mad at you because you made yourself so sick by trying to cook dinner at Aunt Ruth’s house. You came home that day so sick, I couldn’t even stand it. As mad as I was It didn’t keep me from crawling up in the bed with you and rubbing your head and holding your hand like you had done for me for so many years. I stayed up with you all that night because I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You made it through that night and the next morning you turned to me and said “Thank you my sweet baby for looking after grandma. You know Grandma loves you and wants nothing but the best for you. Keep believing and trusting in God. You’re my beautiful baby”. You’ll never know how much that meant to me. Days went by and you continued to get sicker and sicker and I didn’t know what to do. I would go to school and work and want to stay away because I didn’t want to see you like that but I couldn’t stay away. I found myself coming home every day just to see how you were doing. I remember the smile you had on your face every time I walked into your room. You were so excited to see me and I was overjoyed to see you. I would come in the room and say “Hey Old Woman” our going thing. You and I would laugh and you would ask me how my day had been and we would just sit and talk or even watch TV. There was one night you couldn’t even hold yourself up because you were in so much pain and I remember just holding you in my arms while we both cried. That night I prayed to just take all you pain away, but by asking I didn’t know that soon he would be taking you home.
On December 20, 2012, Daddy and the boys rushed you to the hospital because you finally wanted to go. I remember daddy calling saying that the doctors said you wouldn’t make it through the night. I left work and made it to the hospital so fast. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to say bye to you, but you held on long enough for me, granny, mama, Lisa and many others to get there. I remember getting there and just crying and crying because I wasn’t ready for that moment. But just like the classic you, you looked at me rubbed my face and said “baby everything is going to be alright, grandma is just tired”. I told you that I loved you and just stood there and held your hand. I knew you would be alright because you and I had already talked before and you had assured me that you knew the Lord and had gotten things right with him. Within the next few hours you slowly drifted away from us, and I felt lost. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to scream, I wanted to lay down and just cry, but I couldn’t because I had to hold it together for daddy “Blue”.
The funeral was on December 24, and everything just seemed like a blur. I cried and cried many days after the funeral, and then one day I hear a voice say, “I’m alright baby, stop crying”. I knew it was you but even now it just hurts so much with you not being here.
Today I’m in Manzini, Swaziland missing you like crazy. I can only imagine how daddy is feeling, or as you call him “Blue”. Your Linda “mama” has been doing a really good job holding us together though, even though she is hurting a lot too. You were our Ace. You poured so much love into us I can’t even explain it sometimes. To me you represent love and what it should look like. All my life you went above and beyond for everyone you met. You were completely crazy about your children and grandchildren, and the only thing you wanted in return was love. You never met a stranger cause after the finished talking to you they would be calling you mama.
Guess what I’m trying to say is thank you for everything you have done. Thank you for showing me what it means to love unconditional. Thank you for being a strong Godly woman. You went through so much in your life but you never let that stop you from caring about people. Grandma I miss you so so so much, but I know you are in a better place and you sitting beside Jesus watching me grow into the beautiful woman that you saw me as. I hate that you want physically be able to see me get married or have kids. I hate that you want be able to show my kids how to make a upside down Jelly cake or an apple cake. Or that they want be able to know the “Jean” that I love so dear, but I’ll tell them about you and all the crazy adventures we’ve been on. I will continue to love our family like you did.
“Old woman”, you are my heart and it’s hard to know that when I come home from the race you want be there, but I’m going to keep my promise to you. I’m going to love my parents, respect them, and make you and them proud of me. I love you so so so so much. Until I see you again! XOXOXO
Love Always,
Alexandria D. Potter
Psalms 30:4-5
Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints and give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment and his favor if for a lifetime. Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes with the morning.
