I think God sometimes uses the completely inexplicable events in our lives to point us towards Him–Since being accepted onto the world race, to be honest, I have constantly wrestled with the reality of myself being a missionary going around the world. There are many doubts and lies that I deal with on a daily basis on if I am good enough, worthy enough, prepared enough and everything else I can think of. I know that if this was not in His plan then I would not have been accepted, I would not be $300 away from my fundraising goal for May & my heart would not be exploding with joy at the thought of getting to serve Jesus for an entire year overseas with amazing people. However, I am struggling and I am broken, so there is the anxiety & self-doubt about my journey with it quickly arriving at its departure date. But, knowing God is getting to decide whether we lean in towards what He is unfolding for us and say yes or if we back away.
I am not backing away.
I am so overwhelmed at what my heart is feeling, but I will not believe the lies, instead I will bask in my worth found in Jesus. Fundraising is really hard for me. I absolutely do not like to depend on people and circumstances for my own successions-this is something God is always trying to teach & pursue me with. So abandoning my pride and having to ask people, companies and strangers for money is extremely difficult. But oh my goodness, God is so faithful, and over the past couple months I have found my independence and pride left behind and have felt my heart being overtaken by vulnerability and trust. All I’ve had to do is say YES to His grace and faithfulness to understand I am not in control. I am not in control of my circumstances, my fundraising status, or anything else. God has me placed so preciously in His hands that no amount of control I try to take will be better than anything He has in store. All is He is asking me to do is say Yes to His plan & He will provide the rest.
I was on track to move back to my home city, secure a job in my educated field and live a cozy lifestyle as a typical “20-something”. But I had a much bigger plan & passion placed on my heart that I could not ignore. After being accepted, not everything lined up perfectly for me to be completely sure this was the right decision, but the stirring inside of me just had to say Yes. God has called on me for a greater purpose than a typical life & all He is asking me to do is say yes-He will take care of the rest.
One of my biggest fears for this is the journey and challenges I will personally experience. There are many things in my life I have easily been able to bury, ignore or put to the side. Honestly, so far, I have done a good job at putting off feeling and dealing with my heart at times. This year, He is asking me to say yes to facing this head on. I will no longer be able to run away from hurt, anxiety and fears. He is asking me to be raw, open and vulnerable to anything and everything I have buried deep and bring those burdens upon Him. –this next year, I am saying yes to Him having all of me, He is worth facing every fear because God is never-ending, He is always loving, forgiving and full of grace.
I am saying yes to facing all of my demons, all of my regrets and everything I tried to hide. The most beautiful part, is how secure I feel knowing He will protect me through it all.
So especially starting in July on my departure, but even now, I am abandoning all control and barriers and allowing myself to say yes to anything and everything He has in His plans! Who knows where it will lead me & my heart..it has brought me to this place so far & that’s pretty fantastic.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of my supports thus far. I am so close to meeting my $3500 deadline in May! It truly fills my heart with happiness and the love & support I have been given is so encouraging. I have to meet a deadline of $7500 by mid-June so if you feel led to financially support me I would be extremely appreciative!
