I have been questioned if I can never be as good or as perfect as Jesus, then why try? Why not just live my life the exact way I want to and forget the rest.
Thinking a great deal on this question and ignoring the “church answer”, I have come to realize some things in a different light.
Its because,
I was given the urge, and a little of the prerequisite skills from The Man himself to come on the World Race, and so I have to go out and at least try.
This is what I want to do, and what I love to do, and nobody else will do it the way i will. And thats the beauty of it.
I used to think not knowing things was the worst part of life. The great gaping unknown-an endlessly terrifying thing. But Im starting to realize its actually quite thrilling. It actually, might be, the best bit. There is so much to look forward to, so much to still do. There is so much more Jesus is calling me into. It is unknown the ways He will use me this year, but from what I have seen so far this month it will be amazing.
What I am coming to realize is that the difference between terror and the thrill-the edge that separates the two-is faith.
What He wants from me is more faith.
more faith.
Its about a seed of self-belief and an identity in that through Jesus with tons of room to grow.
Its about embracing the bits that don’t make sense. Trusting the story being played out. Its about wonder and curiosity. About moving forward and upward, even if the movement is a sort of graceless thrashing about. And that is where i am. Somewhere in between a hippie with a free spirit and urge for wander and a list-making city girl with a mind focused on success. But.
But my heart is all Jesus. My mind may not know my exact identity, but my heart has no doubt of who I am made to be. And thats OK. Its about clawing and clamoring and dirt beneath the fingernails (literally) to keep my stance in where my heart finds its identity and fighting for my mind to agree with the beautiful truth of that. And its OK to say I don’t know. and I don’t know. Again & again. Because one day I will know. And to get there it may not look pretty or look how others think it should. But it will be done with my heart towards Jesus. Always. And in the end, of this race in particular, I will come out on the other side with more faith. And I believe I was called on this race for many reasons. And I believe I was a good person before this, and I will be an even better person after this. And that truth will have everything to do with my faith in Jesus alone. And we will all look different, and be different, and feel different. And I may be in between vagabond life & a structured life the entire time. But I will be me and I will search for more of myself in Jesus and Im more than Ok with that.
And if I believe that-even and most especially in the face of overwhelming doubt, then those moments of discomfort and unease and fear and confusion are made sweet and holy and wholly lovely.
**Shout out to my teammate Lauren for the title of this blogpost. It was too true not to use.
Today is our last day in the Dominican Republic. Tomorrow my squad & I will be leaving for Haiti for Month 2!!
