Processing being home is truly very hard. My life on the field to my life in America drastically changed in a few short days and flipped my world upside down.
Adjusting into American culture and American norms. If my mind wandered into a certain direction it would be easy to revert back to a “go-go-go everyday lifestyle” and almost even convince myself that my life was not moved in the past 7 months.
Healing is painful and confusion is the worse thing to grasp. Confusion leads you to a place where truth is hindered and a direction where you are longing for answers.
My health has been compromised many times on the field. Month after month I ran into a physical aliment. My physical body being attacked. Sleepless nights and dragging my feet throughout the day. Fatigue and exhaustion being more real than ever. Wanting to hold onto hope and keeping my head up for that light at the end of the tunnel. Anxiety attacks and worry manifesting in a way i’ve never experienced before. Being afraid and ashamed to accept the place I was in because mental health carries a terrible stigma.
Feeling hurt. Hurt in the process of pain. Wandering in the wilderness and holding onto the hope that the God I serve is a God of miracles. But even if a miracle doesn’t come..Jesus is gentle and loving. Through my emotional pain he sits with me. When i’m asking every moment of my day what I’m doing with my life the Lord is patient with my anger and disappointment. When i’m tired and just want answers he still calms my soul somehow.
The answers still haven’t come. Fighting for peace still hurts. Being still or even spending time with Jesus is really hard for me. I want to be thankful but I also just want to hate everything around me.
So I keep asking.. But why Lord? Why me? Why this? Does it end? And if it doesn’t.. Then how do I learn to live in abundance with you when i’m being numbed to the well being of my physical, emotional and mental health?
But you know what, THANK GOD. Literally. Because I have Jesus. Even more importantly he has me. I can’t imagine going through any of this and not knowing the one who created me.
