Sometimes it’s really hard for me to share my struggles with others. I think I just forget how important it is for us, especially as Christians, to be open about what we are having a hard time with. I mean, how else can we get help or encouragement if no one knows what’s going on inside us? Tonight on my drive home from work, the song “Healing Begins” by Tenth Avenue North came on my iPod and it made me think about what’s been on my mind lately and really inspired me to share this with all of you.
One of my biggest struggles since becoming a true follower has been accepting God’s grace and forgiveness. Sometimes I feel ashamed of my past. I’m embarrassed of my mistakes. I’m disappointed in my actions. I sometimes feel like I’m just not good enough or “Christian” enough for this immense amount of mercy that is being freely given to me. And this past week, I think that Satan has really REALLY wanted me to feel this way. I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks of the way that I used to be. I’ve been thinking a lot about those drunken and hazy nights. I’ve been thinking about my inappropriate relationships. I’ve been thinking about hurtful things I’ve done and said to people. I keep thinking to myself, “people are going to find out what you’ve done, and they’ll never believe that you’ve really changed.”
But you know what, I have changed. In 2 Corinthians it says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I am a completely new creation. God has truly blessed me with a change of heart. I have no desire to go back to my old lifestyle because the old me has gone.
But, the memories still remain. Which is why I have to constantly remind myself that God has forgiven me for everything that I’ve done to dishonor him. God doesn’t want me to keep punishing myself and thinking poorly of myself for my past. He wants me to forgive myself as much as he has forgiven me. A few weeks ago I read Daniel 9:9 for the first time, and it has helped me to push away all of these negative feelings that I have about my past. I am so in love with this simple verse that my next tattoo (sorry mom and dad) is probably going to be based off of it so that I can have a daily reminder that I am forgiven.
“The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him” Daniel 9:9
God has forgiven me even after I rebelled against him for so long. And you know what else? He will forgive you too! How awesome is that?!
So I guess my whole “big point” is that I just want to get this off my chest and offer encouragement to anyone else who feels this way too sometimes. I know how hard it can be to accept unconditional forgiveness. But just remember, God loves us and He wants to pour out his mercy onto our lives, no matter how much we think we don't deserve it.
