Friends and family…yes I am still alive. I know it’s been awhile since I’ve sent out an update, and for that I apologize. Every time I talk to my mom she asks me the same question, “Have you thought about writing a blog?” And every time I give her the same answer, “I don’t feel like I really have anything to blog about, so no.”
But I guess that’s not entirely true. I do have something I can write about. I just didn’t think it was something the people at home would want to hear about because it’s not a happy story.
The truth is, I’ve been struggling. HARD. The last few months have been challenging, discouraging, infuriating, confusing, and even boring at times. I’ve questioned my purpose on this trip at least 50 times. I’ve thought about leaving to go home. I’ve actually asked my parents several times if I could just leave. I’ve cried. I’ve yelled. I’ve been angrier than I’ve been in a long time. I was done with the race.
But God was not done. So I’m still here. I know that I’m supposed to be here.
God has only ever spoken to me in a dream once, and it happened about 5 months ago, before I ever considered leaving the race early. In the dream I had gone home early. I was so happy to see my town and my house and finally be with my family. But after a day, that feeling faded. I began to be overwhelmed by regret. I know that I had missed the whole point of my coming on this trip. And that was when I woke up. I remember how vividly I felt those feelings and how much sadness I had. I remember thinking that morning about how that would probably be how I would feel if I ever left (which didn’t even occur to me as an option at the time). Now every time I think about going home, I remember that feeling. Every time I am looking up how much a flight back to North Carolina would cost, I remember that feeling. That feeling reminds me that God told me to come, and that I can’t leave until he tells me I can. I’m reminded that he is doing something in me even when I can’t see it. I’m reminded that he is using me in ways that I may not understand. I know that God gave me that dream because he know I would need to know how much I would be losing if I chose to quit before he was done.
So I’m here. And I’ll be here until 6:25pm on May 30th when my flight home leaves. It’s not always easy, it’s not always fun, it’s not always exciting. But I have faith that it will be worth it.
P. S. My mom also keeps saying that I need to update everyone on what I’ve actually been doing. So here it is:
February – month 8. Due to a lack of contacts in Laos, I actually remained in Cambodia for a second month. My team lived in Phnom Penh at a dorm for university students. Our ministry was teaching local university students English classes and having fellowship nights with the kids we lived with.
March – month 9. The first week of the month I spent in Manila with my parents! We worked with a sex trafficking ministry and got to do three nights of bar ministry. I spent the rest of the month in Balayan, Philippines. We lived with an amazing family that cared about us so much. The ministry for the girls mostly consisted of just doing life with the members of the church and of the family. We also led bible studies for community members about 3 to 4 days a week.
April – month 10. I am currently living just outside the city of Manzini in Swaziland. And so far I absolutely love it. It is unbelievably beautiful here. The weather is finally a little bit chilly and the people are so joyful. This month I am working in a small group with my contact doing sports ministry, which is something I’ve longed to do for the whole race. I still miss home and I still have hard days, but I’m in a much better place spiritually and emotionally. I’m trying to make the most out of these last two months in Africa, and I know that God has great things in store here.
