During one of the debrief worship sessions this week, my squad leader, Alexandra, told us that she wants the “I” in I Squad to stand for intimacy. I have been seeking intimacy with God for who knows how long but have been unable to find it. As I was praying that night, I asked God to reveal to me why our relationship hasn’t been intimate. John 3:30 continued to pop into my head. “He must become greater, I must become less.”
This was the verse that I wanted to live out on the Race and, really, for the rest of my life. This was the verse that I declared over my team in Zimbabwe. This was the verse that I thought I was living out so well.
I realized that in order to have true intimacy with God, I needed to die to myself and give him everything. Up until now, I have been giving him bits and pieces of my life, but I have never fully submitted to him. God doesn’t just want part of me, he wants all of me.
God also revealed to me what has been holding me back in our relationship. One of my squad mates, Liz, prayed at the beginning of October for God to wreck me this month. She also had a vision of me half way through the month that I was looking around at everyone else while Jesus was reaching his hand out to me. Instead of taking his hand I continued to look around at everyone else.
When she told me both of these things I could see exactly what she was talking about. The past two months, I have been focused on everyone else’s problems. I have been trying to help others in their walk but I have neglected my own relationship with God. It is impossible to continually fill others with life and love when I am not letting God refill me. My entire trip has been exhausting up until this point for this very reason.
As for the part where God wrecked me, it didn’t fully reveal itself until this past week. I was asked to step down as team leader and use this time to refocus and reenergize. This news completely blindsided me and I was furious. I felt like I wasn’t given the chance to show my true colors as a team leader due to all the issues we have been having as a team. As I took some time to pray about it, I realized that this was done out of love and God had a purpose in it. Through leadership, I have found identity and through that identity I have developed a pride in myself. God had to take away my position in order for me to find my identity in him, find my pride in him and yield control of everything in my life to him.
By giving everything up, or sometimes having things taken away, I am finally at a place where God can have intimacy with me. That’s a good place to be.
