Self-discipline is something I’ve never been good at. In any aspect of my life whether it’s trying to read my Bible every day or telling myself to save that chocolate bar for tomorrow. So, of course, that’s what God was trying to grow me in here in Swaziland through three different circumstances.
Circumstance #1: Shortly after arriving here at El Shaddai, all I felt spiritually was stuck. I felt like I wasn’t growing at all here and that God wasn’t moving in me or growing in me. I was still reading the Bible every day and journaling, just as I was in Manila, yet I wasn’t getting anything out of it. God wanted me to continue in the discipline that I’d started in Manila and keep reading my Bible every day even if I wasn’t getting life changing revelations out of it. God wanted my commitment to Him.
Circumstance #2: Here at El Shaddai, we are assigned a “buddy.” Our first day here, each Racer was assigned a kid or two that we were supposed to intentionally spend time with. My buddies were Ruth and Nothando. For the first week and a half, Ruth was down the mountain working at the baby house ran by El Shaddai. So it was just me and Nothando. For reasons I still don’t know, this ten year old girl took an immediate disliking to me. And that was new to me. I’ve always been naturally good with kids. To me, it seems like I hardly do anything and they cling to me. But Nothando was different. She avoided me, openly mocked me in front of the other kids, refused to talk to me, and was actually just plain mean to me at times. That sucked. I was so discouraged and absolutely dreaded going up the hill to buddy time. I kept thinking, ‘What’s the point?’ God soon made it clear to me, by the words of a few squad mates, that it didn’t matter if I left at the end of December and she still hated me. But I needed to pursue her with all of me, show her I was there even if she wanted nothing to do with me. As Christ persistently and constantly seeks us out no matter how we respond to Him, I was supposed to do the same with Nothando- even if it felt like pulling teeth.
Circumstance #3: Mid December, God told me to fast. Which, for me, was asking a lot. If I only get two hours of sleep, no problem; I can still fully function like a normal human being. But if I don’t get food in me and I’m hungry… it’s like I become the actual worst version of myself. So fasting for what ended up being 56 hours was very trying for me. God wanted me to hunger for Him and not for anything else.
I wish I could say I wasn’t totally disheartened by not getting anything out of my Bible times and I continued to read my Bible every day. I wish I could say Nothando and I are best friends now and I can’t imagine not seeing her every single day in January. I wish I could say I didn’t have three spoonfuls of peanut butter on day two of my fast. But this blog is about how bad I am at self-discipline and my failures this month.
Looking back, I realize that God was trying to grow me through all these instances in something I was already aware I needed growth in. Unfortunately, I didn’t let Him. I slept in instead of reading my Bible as consistently as I have been on this trip. I hung out with other people’s buddies or Ruth (when she got back from the baby home) and only said hello to Nothando every day. And those 3 spoonfuls of peanut butter… I really could’ve gone without. Looking back, I realize all the Lord had for me this month that I totally missed out on.
This blog is an apology to myself and to God. This blog is a promise to do better in the months I have left on this adventure. This blog is an oath to never drift through another month but fully lean into even the most challenging things The Lord has for me. This blog is my New Year’s Resolution and how I learned it the hard way. Here’s to 2015 and here’s to being better next month.
