God, why do you love me so much?
I look down at that question written in bold purple ink in my journal. I sit in a fearful silence waiting for a response from the Father.
“God,” I write “I’m afriad of the answer.”
Afraid; it hit me like cold water in the shower, and just like that water I wanted to immediately jump out of the truth that I had just stumbled upon. I was afraid. I went on to write “I am afraid of having to live up to Your love. I am afraid of FAILING to live up to Your love. I am too selfish. I believe in you, but I don’t think I yet believe in your love. From everything that I understand Your love will cost me everything. I don’t want to give up everything, and I don’t understand a love that would ask me to.” The words were on the page before I could stop them, and I looked down stunned as the true feelings of my heart stared up at me. I was not afraid that God didn’t love me, I was afraid that He did.
I mulled this over for several days, and then I met up with my team for a meeting. The meeting consisted of a quiet time in which we we’re all to ask God “what do you see in me?”. In light of my last revelation I dreaded the answer. Surely now God can see who I really am. He would scold me for being selfish and resisting His love, but of course that is not my God.
“Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved.Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved. Loved.” It was like listening to a song on repeat. The only thing He wanted me to know was how much I was loved. “I am telling you over and over because this is the most important thing you will EVER learn; my love for you, and your identity in that. You are loved.” He’s tells me over and over, unashamedly and unabashedly, of His love for me. He tells me boldly even in the face of my fears, doubts, and selfishness. He shouts to me “I LOVE YOU!”
Again today, as I sat for my quiet time God reminded me of a vision He gave me several years ago. It was me sitting on a swing with a daisy. I pulled off the petals of the daisy saying “He loves me, He love me not.” He told me then that is how I see His love, but then He showed me the reality of His love. As the vision continued I open a door and there is a field full of daisies, and on every single petal God has written “He loves me”. Today He told me “There is no room in my love for ‘not’. Caroline Fowler I love you unconditionally. Seeing your smile makes my heart leap. Your eyes steal all of my attention. Your voice makes me melt. Walking out on the water for you is going to be talking a step of faith and believing that I love you. I have more than love for you; I have a fierce passion for you, my love. I love to dance with you as much as you love to dance with me. Stay close to me. Never leave me. Love me. Long for my heart. Seek my face. I love you.”
It is easy to believe in a god who doesn’t love you. If love is not part of the equation then there is very little asked of me; my faith becomes nothing but a set of rules that I can fullfill and then ignore. Love though, love asks everything of you, and the God I serve is love personified. Yes it’s scary, and I never know exactly what tomorrow’s love will ask of me, but I want to come into a place with God where I can lay everything down for Him. I’m not there yet, but I’m coming around. Because God loves me; beautifully, passionately, scandolously. I am loved.
