The lack of air pollution in the village compared to that in the city of Tana was such a relief. I’ve never appreciated fresh air and open space more in my life than the last week that we spent in Madagascar in Montasoe. It was with this new found appreciation for the smallest of things that my Heavenly Father began to work in wonderful ways within my life. Feeling the freedom in my lungs sparked a freedom for my entire being. I longed to feel the freedom from all of the chains and bondage within my life.
For just about my entire life I’ve consistently bottled every aspect of my life inside. You’d rarely find me telling anyone how I was truly feeling. Even if someone came out and asked me what was wrong, my response would always be the same ‘I’m fine’ or ‘nothing’s wrong’. This lifestyle is not by any means healthy and led to me feeling inadequate, self-conscious, and some days even depressed. Throughout the short three months I’ve been on this journey it has been revealed to me how important it is to share my feelings. That my feelings are valid and that they do matter. Community, friendships, and relationships are all shaped by being vulnerable and open with one another. If I continue to bottle things inside it doesn’t create a safe space for my teammates or myself. In order for any relationship to grow I have to be open and willing to share the hardest of things. We weren’t created to carry burdens and hurts alone. When we try to carry the burdens of this life on our own we end up feeling depressed or anxious and thoughts of self-harm or even suicide begin to creep in.
I’ve had many of these thoughts throughout my life and have covered them up with a mask of perfection. In my head I believed that as long as I put on the mask each day that no one around me would know how insecure and depressed I was actually feeling. I worked hard to cover my inner turmoil by diving into my school work and activities. I’ve always thought that as long as I continued to get good grades, participated in as many activities as possible, had a good amount of friends, and never showed emotions (especially crying, which I viewed as a weakness) then no one would ever know how much I was hurting on the inside. By encouraging and uplifting those around me and putting on my mask each day I felt as if I was able to fool all of those around me into believing that my life was all put together. That was, until the Lord placed me on a team with four other women whose identity is in the Father and who have challenged and encouraged me to feel, to share, and be free.
During our time in the village, with our whole squad of forty people, I was challenged and approached by several new people that wanted to know me more. I had a choice to make this past month. I could continue to hide behind a mask that only truly hurts me or I could be vulnerable and gain friendships.
It’s easy at times to just push things to the back of our minds and let them sit there and not address them. Eventually, those things come back up. It may be through a small comment from someone that may trigger a past hurt or seeing an image that reminds you of something from your past. If we don’t process through things that have happened to us or things that we have done then they become a stronghold for the devil to cling to. I realized this past month that I was sucked into the devils lies about my own identity. I allowed myself to bottle everything inside and bury it deep within. These past few months the Lord has been showing me how to bring things into the light. He is showing me that when I bring things forward that is where freedom and his peace take reign over my life. Speaking truths over who I am and not allowing things to stay hidden in darkness have been the beginning of true freedom for my life. I’m determined to continue to process and feel all the emotions as I move forward on this journey.
My prayer for all of you, is that you’ll ask the Lord to bring to the light the things that you may have hidden deep inside. Ask Him to bring you freedom from those things so that the devil can no longer use those as strongholds over your lives. Declare freedom and live in the peace that only our heavenly Father can give. I’m declaring that freedom and I’m pushing ahead with a life full of compassion and readiness for whatever the Lord has planned.
I have received freedom, and it all started with a little bit of fresh air. What will be the start of yours?
I am still in need of financial support. My final deadline is at the end of this month. If you feel lead to donate please do so today, thank you!
Thank you to all of those who have supported me thus far on this journey. I can feel the prayer support and I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of all of those who have given financially, thank you! I don’t think I can ever say it enough…so….one more time….THANK YOU!!
