My team name, if you don’t know by now, is Fearless Love. I suggested this name to my team because of a desire I had to “love fearlessly.” But it wasn’t until about a week ago that our fearless team leader had us think about what it meant to live out that desire, and whether or not we were following through with it.
Without hesitation my answer was “No.” I hadn’t been loving fearlessly. I had SO much fear leading up to & going into the World Race, and that fear carried into our first month in Nepal. It manifested itself in two areas: fear of being rejected by my team, and fear of not being affective in ministry. Those fears definitely held me back from experiencing the full potential of what Nepal had to offer, but because of that I felt a stronger challenge to face those fears.
So throughout the month I tried to “choose in.” I chose to start by learning to love my team, and allowing them to love me (which meant being vulnerable). That led to me speaking up more during fellowships/ministry, opening up and sharing more of my story with my teammates, and simply opting into the hard stuff.
Debrief has been no different…and in a lot of ways has been more difficult. Two of our nights here our leaders have talked about vulnerability (noticing a theme?), and we were given the opportunity to share our struggles and how God has worked/is working through them. ((I mean obviously I was jumping for joy at the chance to tell everyone more about my crap!)) Opening up to just the other 5 people on my own team was hard enough…throw in 40 more and I wanted to run for the hills!
The beauty of vulnerability though is that it not only gives you an opportunity to free yourself from the ties that bind you, but it also allows others to be freed in the process. And that’s exactly what happened to me this week. I did share a part of my story/struggle with the squad as a whole, but the next night it was just the girls, and after hearing them all open up and pour out their hearts it was like a switch flipped and I immediately felt a weight lift off my shoulders.
I wasn’t alone!
I realized for probably the first time ever that it’s okay to have crap. I repeat: It’s okay to have crap! Its okay to be flawed and still be called to live a life of missions and glorifying God…crazy concept right?? I mean in theory I knew it to be true, but I didn’t really believe it in my own life until now. When you can see evidence of God’s grace and love in others’ lives, it magnifies even more in your own.
Vulnerability also allows you to grow closer to others and opens up a whole new level of trust and comfortability…which then makes it easier to love without fear (another crazy concept!). Because I faced my fear of letting my team in on my crap, and vice versa, I no longer live in fear of them rejecting or judging me. I actually trust that they are going to love and accept me no matter what…and that is insane(ly awesome)!
