I have come to realize that I love change. I get bored pretty easily, and crave newness – something fresh. I love to dream up what could be. Id say this is me being adventurous, but I think sometimes this is my escape. Sometimes I run away. I’ve found I hide and dip when I feel I’ve become a disappointment. And this is fairly often. I sometimes even push people away, because I’m not what I think they deserve. I’m not the person I think they thought I was. I’ve disappointed them. I’ve known this about my self for awhile. I’ve been trying to figure it out. Why do I feel like I’m disappointing people? They’re not saying that at all! They’re telling me the opposite! I was also disappointed in my self and thought God was too. Why??
I had a mentor ask me what expectations I had for myself. What expectations God had for me. And what expectations others had for me as well. To pray and think about it, then right them down.
I bawled. I had a long list in the column of what I expected of my self. What I should be doing. What I should be better at. Who I should be. Even what I should look like. In what others expected out of me – I had some theories. In what God expected out of me – nothing. Nothing? Nothing. He never thought I could be that person or be that good alone, that’s why He sent Jesus. So why was I trying to do it without Him? For Him?
Depend. I now can stop feeling like I’m failing all the time, and ask Him to help.
