This is what I thought…
Okay God. I’m taking action/moving, but also leaving space for you to move. I can’t not do anything, then nothing will get done! Am I doing enough though? Am I trying hard enough? Because you won’t bless me unless I do it right. I gotta work, make money just incase things don’t work out…then I’ll pay the rest. Everything will work out! Good! I can trust you!
My back started really hurting after I would get home from work, for the months of November and December. Nbd though, I’d been working more hours and my body would get used to it. Then one Thursday morning I woke up and felt terrible pain in my mid-lower back, enough that it was hard for me to get out of bed. Cramping then sharp pain. I thought maybe it was menstrual pain. I couldn’t go into work that day. I used hot pads. It got worse. I thought “My hips and legs just must be really tight, I gotta stretch.” It continued a few more days. Then one night I came home crying from a Christmas work party, after it felt like I got shot in the back. My roommates circled around me and laid hands on me and prayed. Then said this was serious enough I needed to go to the doctors. Validation, “you are hurting enough.” In the middle of the night I almost went to the ER thinking it was my kidneys. The next day I went to Urgent Care and had tests done, my organs were fine. I got a shot in the butt for the pain (haha that actually really hurt). Then what was wrong with me?? I went to the chiropractors and got X-Rays done. I had two bulging discs in my spine. Oh. I got worked on. Kept doing this for a few days, kept hurting but I thought I was getting better. This and the heat and stimulation were actually making it worse (I didn’t know), irritating my back even more. One evening I was at home and bent down to pick up a piece of paper. A PIECE OF PAPER. As I stood back up I feel my lower back pop and give out and I fall to my knees. Two more discs. That was it, I needed to go home. I needed to rest, but I guess I didn’t know how?!? But I would be home for so long?? How was I suppose to work or work on WR things?? Exactly.
My parents drove to Springfield the next morning to pick me up and take me home to KC, where I would stay. I received rest, but even more redemption – years long hurt I would see healed while I was home. No longer insecure of who I was in high school or who people thought I was. No longer crippled with anxiety. Proud of who I was now and have always been. And what the Lord was doing. Being able to see people and love them!
My good friend Emma and I were talking on the phone before I got picked up to go to KC, she said “Okay so wait, let me get this clear… You don’t want to go home, because you don’t want to rest that much? Aleena you are about to leave the country for three months. You need to rest!! You need extensive time with the Lord! Resting isn’t doing nothing! Preparation.” And she was right. I was praying about my trip, but I was also blocking it out somehow. I needed to WAR – feel the weight of me leaving and going! And I wouldn’t feel those things until I stopped and sat down.
– still not knowing how to sign off ((:
