This is a reeeaaally interesting season (i’m starting to kinda hate the word season). I have felt and thought and dealt with things, things I did not expect or imagine to deal with in affect of me leaving.
In the last monthish since this journey began it’s been interesting to feel who has distanced themselves from me and who has decided to pursue me. To me, the pursing me makes no sense and kinda makes me sad – like what are you doing?? I’m leaving?? I don’t want to be sad that I don’t get to stay here with you. Stop! I’m actually literally leaving in 51 days and who knows what will happen after! And it’s probably not easy pursuing me either. I’m always thinking about what I have to do next – “I don’t want to get behind!” I’m not the most sensitive person right now and probably a bit selfish. I’m also grateful. The distancing does make sense to me though – you’re afraid and sad too. This makes me feel terrible. You’re happy I’m going, but not happy I’m leaving. You feel abandoned. Were you not important? Not enough?
Most days I’m very confident and ready, but some days I’m sad and freaked out. I’m not scared at all about going or living in Thailand and Cambodia. I’m scared of coming back. I’ve missed out on sharing life with people. Have they moved on? Will it be the same? Will they have resentment? Will we be able to connect again? Will I be too different? Will I be okay? I don’t know where I’m going to live afterwards or what I’m going to do.
With all this fear I was spoken to again through Bob Goff’s book Everybody Always. “Throughout history, God has spoken three words more often than any others when the people He loved were scared and confused, lost or lonely, paralyzed or stuck. In those times, He usually didn’t make a big speech. He just said to His people, Be. Not. Afraid.” I was reminded my Father doesn’t want or need me to worry about anything after these 3 months, or worry period. He’s got it. And He’s challenged me to not get stuck in fear. That’s the Devil! Satan will not steal my joy or ruin my relationships, Satan does not have the power. I get to be here for 51 more days, that’s all I know and that’s okay. I get to love these people. I get to have today. I GET to.
– Aleena
What if we weren’t afraid anymore?
I thought this was funny because it’s a red pepper.
