"Left to ourselves we tend immediately to reduce God to manageable terms. We want to get Him where we can use Him, or at least know where He is when we need Him. We want a God we can in some measure control. We need the feeling of security that comes from knowing what God is like, and what He is like is of course a composite of all the religious pictures we have seen, all the best people we have known or heard about, and all the sublime ideas we have entertained." (Tozer, A.W., Knowledge of the Holy)
This is the epitome of what my relationship with God has always been. It's always been one that I made sure that I have had every single thing planned. Every single want or desire I've ever had has always been "of God." This is the first time in my relationship with Christ that I can sit here and honestly confess to such things. Many of you know how excited I am to be on the race, but few of you know the full story.
I remember the world standing still around me and God audibly saying to me, "this is what I have for you." as I stood on a basketball court and teaching a girl how to play the summer of my Junior year in High School. This wasn't really a time that I cared much about what God had to say, but I thought it was cool that He was willing to answer the all important question of what to do with my life even though I didn't ask Him in the first place.
Fast forward 4 years, fall of my junior year in college. I am sitting in the counseling room for our House of Judgement program we run at my church in October ready to answer questions of people coming through that aren't really sure what to make of God. In fact I was sitting there anticipating the moment that would come that they would figure me out, that I too wasn't sure of what to make of God. The moment hit. Some girls sat before me and a friend and we were out of answers. So we sought out someone much wiser than we were and in the midst of her answers for the girls something swelled up inside of me that was all too familiar. I immediately left, went home, fell before God and found myself quitting my religion and starting a new relationship.
Fast forward 2 more years, I'm finishing out my last semester at UNT and have just been told that I won't be graduating certified after all. That was the beginning of a tumultuous season with God. A season of me questioning why I had been faithful to what He called me to. Questioning why I had been faithful in finishing my degree. A degree that did nothing but leave me in debt and jobless as a teacher.
The summer after graduating in May I took a job at my church working in Recreation Ministry and was there for 2 years. Those two years in my life were years of learning new depths of a relationship with Christ. Learning new expectations that He had on me and proceeding to fight those expectations with everything I had.
In fall of 2009 I took my first teaching job. I taught 7th Science and coached 8th girls basketball and all level track. The Lord blessed me that year with a great mentor that helped me through every rough situation and some great coaching friends that kept life funny and exciting. He was very quick to settle in me that I wouldn't be there long. In fact it was in March on mission trip in NY that I felt him tugging at me again. I remember sitting down that night and telling my friend and asking what in the world am I going to tell my parents? But was quickly assured by her that He would work it all out and to give it time.
The beginning of the summer rolled around and the moment had finally arrived. I got the call. My dream job! 6th grade Writing at a specific middle school in Denton. I had longed for that job for 5 years. Once I found out I got it I knew that it was exactly where I was supposed to be and I would probably be there forever. It wasn't even 6 weeks into the school year that the Lord began to stir in me again. I was uncomfortable. I loved my administration, my team, my kids all of it. It was perfect for me.
It all made complete sense, I mean it was exactly what I had planned for myself. I had been able to finish my degree, eventually get to teaching, and ultimately achieve my dream. I couldn't think of anyone that could do it any better than I had. The Lord had done exactly what I told Him to.
Back to the stirring..
It was hard to hush it any longer, I started actively seeking what He wanted for me. Not just seeking, but doing by best to surrender myself. Trying to give up all of my planning and analyzing and organizing. Just laying it down.
I spent the semester looking for the next step, trying to sense which direction to go. I gave a couple other avenues a whirl, but eventually landed upon the race. The irony of it all is that I had decided since I wasn't really feeling much clarity I would help God out and let Him know that I would stay teaching and go on a summer international mission trip. If you Google it, it will come. ha I ended up on the AIM website and stumbled across the World Race. I spent about two hours reading blogs about how God was moving throughout the world and reading of His transcendence among people regardless of diversity.
I immediately felt this sense of urgency. I applied. Interviewed and was accepted. All within a week. First time in my life I didn't think. First time in my life I didn't plan. First time in my life I leaped. First time in my life I've been free.
I hope I never see God as manageable again. I hope I never tell Him what's best for me again. I hope He continues to be a mystery continuously unfolding His faithfulness to me. Continuously revealing more of myself to me and challenging me with new growth.
