Over the past 7 months, God has grown something huge in me. He's stirred up new desires and passions, new visions and revelations. I guess I always found myself assuming He would rather move more in others than in me, but that's so not true. He wants to move in each one of His children as much as they'll let Him, completely showing them their worth and promises all along the way. That kind of unfounded love will bring you to humility really quickly, which is when He begins to move.
Never in my life have I wanted so badly to live in complete obedience, and not only in the small things, but in the large things also. Obedience is something that I've always struggled with, I have a tendency to just make everything logistical and managable. I usually hit a point where if I can justify it logically, then it should be good to go. However, I've finally reached that point where those things aren't okay any more and I want more than anything to find myself absolutely in the will of God without question. Which brings me to today.
For the past few months I had been wrestling back and forth with God about whether I should be staying or going. Honestly my pride told me very quickly I would be staying, not to ask any questions and to stop with all the prayer. I've always been someone who hates going back on my word and would be quicker to just put my mind to whatever I had committed to enough to get through it, but I didn't want that to be the rest of my race.
In all of my prayer and back and forth questions with God he gave me one answer after another and scripture after scripture, each of which added up to countless affirmations for me to go early. Which made me pretty upset because I had committed to this and it seemed foolish to walk away any earlier than the end. However, as soon as I shut down my mind and opened up my heart and spirit to receive what He was asking of me it was unquestionable.
I actually even got to a point where I let my mind take over again and had decided to just power through the last bit of the race. However, once I decided to stay a heaviness came upon me that I couldn't shake and so I went into a time of really having to pick things apart.
I began praying through everything again, that maybe my discernment was clouded or I had lost perspective. Mainly I wanted to make sure that I didn't just choose whatever was quickest and just claim that God's grace was enough to cover it. I didn't want some cliche statement to be my validity in going home. I wanted to be sold out in my obedience, unhindered by any logical thing I could come up with. I pulled out my journal and began reading through it again. Reading through pages and pages of affirmations that I was supposed to leave and go home.
During this entire time of seeking out God's will, He'd been speaking four main things to me. Rest, faith, trust and obedience. In a time of silence, just in case I hadn't gotten the idea at that point, my reading happened to start in Hebrews. It started with an entire chapter on rest followed by an entire chapter talking about faith and obedience. I decided that I wanted to pray through that some more, so I spent Sunday night in prayer and God revealed Psalm 27 to me.
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
That was my final affirmation to leave the race. So this is my second day gone and it still doesn't seem real in the slightest. I'm still wading through some thick stuff and working through it little by little.
I'm so blessed to have been part of the R Squad. It really is the Joy Squad. I walked alongside some of the most amazing people I'm sure I'll ever meet and I know that the remainder of the race will be nothing more than kingdom victories for everyone that they encounter. I can't wait to read of what God does in them and through them for His glory.
For everyone that supported me through prayers and encouragements, finances and checking on my family, I am beyond words of thankfulness really. You'll never know how much gratitude I really have for all that you've done.
Over the past 7 months, God has grown something huge in me. He's stirred up new desires and passions, new visions and revelations. I guess I always found myself assuming He would rather move more in others than in me, but that's so not true. He wants to move in each one of His children as much as they'll let Him, completely showing them their worth and promises all along the way. That kind of unfounded love will bring you to humility really quickly, which is when He begins to move.
Never in my life have I wanted so badly to live in complete obedience, and not only in the small things, but in the large things also. Obedience is something that I've always struggled with, I have a tendency to just make everything logistical and manageable. I usually hit a point where if I can justify it logically, then it should be good to go. However, I've finally reached that point where those things aren't okay any more and I want more than anything to find myself absolutely in the will of God without question. Which brings me to today.
For the past few months I had been wrestling back and forth with God about whether I should be staying or going. Honestly my pride told me very quickly I would be staying, not to ask any questions and to stop with all the prayer. I've always been someone who hates going back on my word and would be quicker to just put my mind to whatever I had committed to enough to get through it, but I didn't want that to be the rest of my race.
In all of my prayer and back and forth questions with God he gave me one answer after another and scripture after scripture, each of which added up to countless affirmations for me to go early. Which made me pretty upset because I had committed to this and it seemed foolish to walk away any earlier than the end. However, as soon as I shut down my mind and opened up my heart and spirit to receive what He was asking of me it was unquestionable.
I actually even got to a point where I let my mind take over again and had decided to just power through the last bit of the race. However, once I decided to stay a heaviness came upon me that I couldn't shake and so I went into a time of really having to pick things apart.
I began praying through everything again, that maybe my discernment was clouded or I had lost perspective. Mainly I wanted to make sure that I didn't just choose whatever was quickest and just claim that God's grace was enough to cover it. I didn't want some cliche statement to be my validity in going home. I wanted to be sold out in my obedience, unhindered by any logical thing I could come up with. I pulled out my journal and began reading through it again. Reading through pages and pages of affirmations that I was supposed to leave and go home.
During this entire time of seeking out God's will, He'd been speaking four main things to me. Rest, faith, trust and obedience. In a time of silence, just in case I hadn't gotten the idea at that point, my reading happened to start in Hebrews. It started with an entire chapter on rest followed by an entire chapter talking about faith and obedience. I decided that I wanted to pray through that some more, so I spent Sunday night in prayer and God revealed Psalm 27 to me.
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
That was my final affirmation to leave the race. So this is my second day gone and it still doesn't seem real in the slightest. I'm still wading through some thick stuff and working through it little by little.
I'm so blessed to have been part of the R Squad. It really is the Joy Squad. I walked alongside some of the most amazing people I'm sure I'll ever meet and I know that the remainder of the race will be nothing more than kingdom victories for everyone that they encounter. I can't wait to read of what God does in them and through them for His glory.
For everyone that supported me through prayers and encouragements, finances and checking on my family, I am beyond words of thankfulness really. You'll never know how much gratitude I really have for all that you've done.
