This blog was written about Febuary 11th
*** This is a forewarning: I don’t know where this blog is going or how well written it will be. Proceed with caution. These are things from my heart.***
I had to go half way around the world to find myself. It’s funny how things work. You can be looking in the mirror and not know yourself. As a matter a fact, this has always been my l problem. I can evaulate myself for hours at a time and not know who I truly am or how I became who I am.
Other people, though, can sum people up within minutes, and I can do the same. The problem is, when I look into my own eyes, my own soul, my own hurt, and my own heart, I can’t. I don’t even know if I would call myself a “good man” when I’m looking in the mirror. The only thing I see is my own backstory.
My story is engulfed by laughter, fun, crazy interactions with friends and family, and acquaintances, but also by hurt and pain. My backstory… my backstory is a mixture of depression, problems, mental breakdowns, happiness, love, laughter, terrible things done to me, and horrible things I’ve done to others. These things are what makes it so difficult to sum myself up. I will know who I am, but it’s always like trying to hold water in my hand… All I believe just drips away.
My life feels like an endless walk through a swamp- stuck in my problems and running from my pain. I think maybe one day I will escape from it. I am now going all over the world to try to run away from my past. If I’m being honest, that’s why I joined the race- thinking…no…hoping and praying that I could find myself and more happiness. I thought that I would finally have a year free of depression. I thought, “how would I possibly become depressed and loose sight of the lord if im on mission trip? I cant fall away when im in relationship with Him.”
And you know what? I was right… Or I thought I was. I am entering into month 6, and low and behold, depression has been setting in for the last week. It had been off and on over the last week, but I am still in relationship with Him. However, for me, suicidal thoughts come complementary with depression. Now, it’s in a form of wanting to be home with the Father. It took me travling around the world to accept this will always be a part of me. Because if it still hits me like a ton of bricks- even when I have the best community I have ever had, the people I have been the closest to surrounding me, and the most intimant relationship with God that I have ever had- well then i guess I will always have it. In this kind of season, my selfworth is out the window.
I had someone tell me yesterday that they still look up to me. Honestly, I was taken aback. This was because, if I don’t see any worth in myself, how could someone possibly look up to me? This is something I’m still pondering. How and why would someone look up to me? I have been a terrible person in my past. Maybe, it’s because people have watched my life change. Maybe, they see I have something in the way I act, and they want it. Maybe, it’s from my strong trust and faith in the Lord.
I can’t tell you why people always look up to me and follow me. Maybe, it’s just the natural leadership in me. All I know is that I don’t feel like I’m good enough for it. I’m sure that’s just because of the season I’m in, but it doesn’t change the fact that in most my conversations with God, it’s been me saying, “God do you like me?” This Isn’t really a question because obviously I know the answer… intellectually, at least. It’s more of a honest, emotional question for myself.
It is this question that keeps me honest with where I’m at in my walk. I’m not as okay as I seem; however, I still have a flourishing garden in me. I’m still sowing seeds. I have learned that people are lead into deeper relationshp with God, not from me wearing a mask, but with me being real on how I feel. It’s because of this that I am continuously honest with people when they ask me how I am. However, if I’m being completely honest, I feel so unseen in this season I’m in. I try to let my brothers and sisters in around me about where I’m at, but I feel like my words come out silent. I get it. Everybody has hard stuff they’re working through, and we all hit B-zone at the same time. I just feel like my crap is too much and just another burden that doesent need to be put on top of everything else that is going on. I honestly just want to be home right now, but I don’t quit. What’s worse though? Quiting or going on with something when your heart isn’t in it? That’s the question I’m trying to answer now. But until I am capable of answering it, I’m going to trust God to lead me.
