I am starting a blog series that will lead to a big announcement in the end! I have had a very hard time processing a lot of this journey so far and am finally at a place where I can write it all down! I hope this blog series gives you glimpse into my journey so far and how it has lead me to what is next!
In India I had to grieve the fact that I would be missing the pregnancy and birth of my sisters twin babies. I was torn at the thought of missing out on this celebration of life because for the previous year I had walked along side her and watched as she had to bear the loss of two pregnancies.
I had to surrender this to the Lord and it took all of India and Nepal to do so. In Nepal I realized that I was so wrapped up with the thought of missing out on what was happening at home that I was missing out on what was happening right in front of me. I had concluded that even though I was missing the pregnancy, I was so overjoyed at the fact that there was still life and I would rather miss the pregnancy than have no pregnancy at all.
Three days after arriving in South Africa with my team, I received the news my sister had lost the twins. In finally grieving the fact that I would be missing that season of my sister’s life, I now had an even greater loss to grieve.
A flood of emotions washed over me when I got the news and I had no idea how to process it. I didn’t want to be in South Africa, I didn’t want to be team leading, and I didn’t want to be on the World Race. I wanted to be home, with my sister and family so I could hold her and comfort her and love her through her loss.
I cried out to the Lord in protest! I wanted to be home, why would He have me so far away!?
But I heard Him gently ask me in response, “Do you trust me?”
I had to ask myself, Do I? Do I trust that the Lord is in control and that he is holding my sister and her husband in his hands. Do I trust that he is holding each of my sisters babies in heaven and that he had purpose in each of their lives being lost? Do I believe that the Lord will work all things for good?
I had to answer NO. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn’t. my anxiety rose inside of me as I felt the Lord tell me I needed to let my family go. I needed to stop trying to be their comfort, I needed to trust that just like He has a perfect plan for my life and just like He is there for me when I am brokenhearted and hurt, he is also there for my family. He is more able to comfort them than I am. Although I wanted nothing more than to be right in front of my sister to love her, I had to allow the Lord to come in and comfort her. I had to release the tight grip I had on wanting to fix everything and let the Lord heal better than I ever could.
Matthew 10:37-39 says, He who loves his father or mother more then Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.
Every time I opened my Bible that month the Lord lead me to this verse. In realizing my lack of trust in the Lord He asked me an even greater question. Do you love your family more than Me? Was I willing to totally surrender them to the Lord and was I willing to take up my cross and follow Him no matter what the cost?
Ask anyone and they will tell you that I love my family more than my own life. But I have had to reevaluate that love. I know God isn’t asking me to love them any less, but He is asking me to love Him more than I do them. Am I going to live my life in fear that if something good or bad were to happen in the lives of the ones I love that I was going to miss it because I was following the Lord? Am I willing to follow Him when the cost is being apart from my family? Could go home and live comfortably right next to them and not miss a thing, but in that I would be missing out on God’s purposes and His plans for me? I love my family, but I love God more. He is the one who sustains me and He is the one who has transformed my life inside out. I DO want all He has for me, and I have realized that by running from His plans I would be missing out on His best.
Stay tuned for my next blog that will lead up to my big announcement!!
