I’m not an open book.
And yes, I could say that it’s because I’m an “introvert” but that would only be part of the truth. I mean, a white lie is still a lie…right? So there’s definitely more to it than a mere personality classification. I’m not an open book and to be frank… I chose not to be.
You see… past circumstances have caused my heart to be sort of callous. Rarely did I rely or confide in others. Rarely did I trust. And rarely did I find reason to change my mentality. The moments I attempted to open up, I’d spiral back into my bubble of comfort and continually convince myself, as well as, others that I was “okay”. Not realizing it, I had swept some issues under the rug – so to speak – and had left it there undealt with. As a result, I became comfortable with living and conversing with people on a surface level. I took the verse, “guard your heart” (Prov. 4:23) to drastic measures by refusing to allow anyone in…
You may be asking then, “So why the World Race?” Trust me, I too, have asked that same question.
Here’s a snippet of my background. I grew up in a Bible believing home. I memorized & recited John 3:16 in 2 languages by the age of three. In my keiki days (keiki, meaning child or childhood in Hawaiian), I was told that I was preaching to my little brother even while he was in my mother’s womb… haha. This is funny to me because if you know my brother and I then you know that our relationship is no different today for I am STILL trying to “preach” into his life like his second mama. Anyway… steering back on track. I’ve heard the same bible stories time and time again. My whole life has consisted of a list of do’s and don’ts (actually, more don’ts than I can remember).
Don’t wear this…
Don’t say that…
Don’t go here…
Don’t go there…
Instead… play it “safe”
When I failed to live by the Ten Commandments or by the expectations of my parents, I thought that I had been a failure all together. In the last three years, however, God has been challenging me to see the gospel in a new light… that I am not confined by a rulebook because I have received freedom in Christ Jesus! Slowly but surely, I am learning to live in community and to live vulnerably (which by the way, is a lot easier said than done).
You see… the difference between then and now, is that God has granted me the strength to TAKE RISKS – something I was unfamiliar with growing up. I desire to live boldly, courageously, transparently, daringly, audaciously… goodness, you name it-ly!!! I realize that it won’t happen overnight. I realize that as God is asking me to “take up my cross and follow Him” (Matt. 16:24), it WILL cost me some things, people even, whom I cherish. However, ready or not, I am willing to follow Him no matter what the cost.
I’m no one extraordinary. In fact, I’m pretty ordinary. I don’t possess the knowledge nor the ability I think I’ll need. So again, why the World Race?? Because this I know… God has called me and He is enough to assure me even in my cloud of doubts. A good friend once reminded me of this great truth: the moment I professed Christ as my Savior and Lord, “my” story – all the hurt, the failures, the pressure, the trials – was no longer mine but HIS.
So I guess it’s time to get real huh? Here I go… *takes a DEEP breath
I am truly excited for the journey I’ve already begun. My prayer is that as I open up to you the things God is revealing and will reveal to me, He will also be made known in your own life, your city, and ultimately, to the “uttermost part of the earth!” (Acts 1:8)
